I was moved by Sam Dick’s article that detailed his coming out to his family and, in particular, the letter that his father wrote to the Guardian about their pride in and respect for him (A moment that changed me: I was 16, gay and bullied for it. Then my father wrote to the Guardian …, 5 March). Sam’s experiences were very familiar to me, in that they were a reminder of my brother coming out more than 20 years ago.
My brother is younger than me and, although our family home was a loving one, I guess that my brother will have viewed our dad and I as being very “male”. We both enjoyed our football, enjoyed socialising, and had groups of like-minded friends; my brother was the polar opposite. As a result, he was terrified of coming out.
By the time he took the decision to tell us, I’d moved out and set up home with my girlfriend. One Monday evening, I visited home, and after the usual chit-chat, my brother said he had something he needed to tell us. I could see and sense his fear when he revealed that he was gay.
I walked across the room and hugged him tight. He asked if it bothered me, to which I replied: “Why would it? You’re my brother, I’m proud of you.” He’d already told Mum and Dad, and – despite my brother’s apprehension about telling Dad in particular – they had both reacted in the same way that I did.
Things haven’t been easy for my brother and, after meeting his partner, he moved to Devon to be with him. They’ve been together for 14 years now, and that’s where he now calls home. I miss him terribly at times, but it makes me happy to know he’s happy. I thank Sam for his beautiful words that reminded me of a moment when my brother made me proud.
Name and address supplied
I read Sam Dick’s article with a mixture of feelings. I’m a gay man 10 years older than the writer and I recognised how hard it was growing up in a society full of homophobia; I also recognised the homophobic bullying. However, I didn’t recognise the supportive parents. When I came out to mine in the 90s, they didn’t hide their disappointment. What made it greater was that my only sibling, my younger brother, was also gay. My parents felt as if they’d done something wrong, and my dad fell into a depression. It made for a very complex family dynamic.
I now view my coming out to my parents as putting them on a journey to acceptance. Slowly, over time, they saw that me and my brother were happy. They started to tell their friends and family members that we were gay. This made for a more cohesive family unit. However, in my dad’s later life, he revealed to me that he’d wished that I wasn’t gay. Thankfully, I view this as belonging to only him – I don’t have to wear it – and being able to do this has freed me enormously.
Now, we live in a culture where film and television give textbook examples for parents in how to respond when their child comes out: the film Love, Simon and Channel 4’s comedy Big Boys spring immediately to mind. Perhaps if my parents’ generation had had these in their world when I came out then my experience, and that of others, would have been more positive.
Name and address supplied
What really struck me about Sam Dick’s article was his mother’s comment saying that his life was going to be hard. When I came out to my parents and sister as a gay man at the age of 20 in 2006, I chose to do it separately to each of them. My sister, then 18, supported me immediately: “So you’re my first gay friend!” My mother, reading a book in bed, started crying and said: “I am just so worried about how it’s going to be for you.” My dad, watching TV in the living room, said: “Well, I’d be lying if I said I never suspected it, and your life will be more difficult, but we will support you.”
And it’s true. Living in Berlin makes it easier, but I think, no matter how liberal the place where you live, there is always an undercurrent of ignorance and homophobia. I am very aware that I am living in a bubble and that most people in the world have different opinions.
Thinking back on these initial, emotional responses from my family still gives me strength and makes me feel extremely safe and lucky to have the family I do, something which many members of the queer community are unable to count on. I applaud Sam and his family, and hope that, in some small way, I can also contribute.
Michael Achtzehn
Berlin, Germany
I am moved by the exceptionally civilised and human response of Sam Dick’s parents, who stood up for their son when most of world was shaming and blaming people like Sam. Supportive families like Sam’s can and do make a change in wider society as well as to family members. They made my day better.
Igor Zvonic
Edinburgh
