Name: Bryan Johnson.
Age: 47.
Appearance: Not a day over 45.
He’s that multimillionaire who’s spending his fortune trying to live for ever, isn’t he? He calls it “biohacking”, but yes, that’s him.
Is he broke yet? Not yet. Johnson spends a reported $2m (£1.6m) a year on project Blueprint, his personal programme aimed at defying the ageing process.
What does the programme entail? For starters, he goes to bed at 8:30pm every night and takes more than 100 pills a day.
He sounds like my nan. He also eats all his meals before 11am, bathes in LED light, and spends a part of his day sitting on magnets.
How is all that working out for him? It’s reckoned that, thanks to his strict regime, Johnson’s biological age lies somewhere in the mid-30s.
According to my calculations, it ain’t worth it. But he also has the penis of a 22-year-old.
He should give it back. To be clear, he has the penile health of someone 25 years younger.
How would you even measure that? By the number, duration and quality of one’s night-time erections.
And how would you even measure that? With an erectile tracker – you wear it to bed and it sends the data to your phone.
So your phone tells you your penile age? After a fashion, yes.
Where can you get one of these devices? Asking for a friend. You can buy them online for £150, but the company that makes them is oversubscribed, so there’s currently a seven-to-eight-week waiting list.
I should live so long. Recently Johnson posted his penis data online, comparing it to data from his 19-year-old son Talmage.
He didn’t. He did. They were both age 22 in penile health terms. But Johnson isn’t simply showing off – night-time erections are a significant biomarker for longevity.
Huge, if true. Johnson is prepared for those sorts of jokes.
Is he? Because I have more. “While it kicks up some giggles,” he told MailOnline, “it really is one of the most important things for all of us to know about our bodies.”
Say, is that an erectile tracker in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? “For example,” he says, “men who do not have night-time erections are at risk of 70% greater likelihood of premature death.”
Enough about Bryan’s Johnson. Is he gonna live for ever, or what? Probably not – the current death rate remains steady, at 100%.
Do say: “According to the data, I am very glad to see you indeed.”
Don’t say: “Sorry, I think I must have penis-dialled you.”
