You be the judge: should my girlfriend stop scrolling on her phone while we’re watching TV?

The prosecution: Edward

Fran is always looking at Instagram or Reddit, even when we’re watching a film

My girlfriend Fran is a chronic scroller. She always seems to have her phone in her hand when we are watching something, or having a conversation. I find it highly annoying. She says it’s because she has attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) but I’m not sure if it’s an excuse. I think you can learn to control how much you’re on your phone. After we finish work in the evenings, she’ll constantly be watching videos on Instagram or reading stuff on Reddit while we watch television together.

I think that the time we spend together in the evenings should be sacred. I want to do stuff as a couple, but can’t if she’s not fully present. We recently had a friend from university, Penny, come to stay with us and Fran started scrolling during a film we were all watching. Penny backed me up and told Fran it was irritating.

Fran got in a huff and said it shouldn’t matter how much she focused on the screen if we were enjoying it, and to “leave her alone”. Fran even says watching a film isn’t a collective experience, but I disagree. If you have agreed to a film night with your boyfriend and best friend, and you are in the corner, texting or reading an article, it takes away from the experience for everyone else.

Because she misses so much, she also has this annoying habit of interrupting the film after she tunes back in, and asks: “What’s happening now? Who are these characters?” It’s disruptive. Penny actually took Fran’s phone off her and hid it. I supported this, and later Fran said it helped her enjoy the film more.

I sympathise with her concentration issues due to her ADHD, but I also think she’s got worse. She’s always been the spacey, dreamy type, but since the pandemic she’s worked from home more and become less disciplined. No one tells her off for switching between screens except me. I don’t want to keep on at her as it’s not that fun, but she should try harder to focus.

The defence: Fran

My scrolling shouldn’t affect other people. I always keep my phone on mute

The other night, when I was watching a film with Edward and Penny, they got annoyed with me for being on my phone, but I don’t think it should affect their enjoyment. Penny took my phone off me and actually sat on it for the rest of the movie, because she said the scrolling was annoying her.

But my phone was on silent, so I defended myself and told them to focus on the film instead. Edward said I was being rude and distracting. But my thinking is: are we watching a film together or individually? I watch a film with my own eyes, not someone else’s, but my boyfriend and best friend seem to think it’s a collective experience. They want to enjoy the punchlines and discuss the plot together.

But my concentration span isn’t long enough. My way of being involved is to look up stuff on my phone about the characters or the actors as I watch, or read the synopsis of the film and share facts. But when I do that during the film, they tell me to “be quiet” and “put my phone down”. Which makes me think that they are the ones who have a problem watching things as a group, not me.

I have my phone on mute when they are watching TV, so I don’t buy the fact that it disrupts their viewing experience. How does me going on Reddit or sending a text affect them?

I do have ADHD, which Edward knew about when we met. It affects my ability to focus and finish tasks. I need to do a lot of things at once and often switch between books and articles. I find it difficult to concentrate on one task. I also have word retrieval issues and dyslexia.

Edward views my ADHD as a slightly annoying personality quirk, but a few years ago I had an official diagnosis, which made me feel vindicated. Edward will show empathy, then in the same breath criticise the things that makes me who I am. I will try putting my phone away during films and conversations as it does seem to rile him, but he needs to accept that this may never get better.

The jury of Guardian readers

Should Fran put her phone down while watching TV with Edward?

I side with Edward. Film viewing is a shared activity. I have ADHD, and making a conscious effort to stay off my phone (by putting it in a different room) strengthens and lengthens my attention span. Plus, it demonstrates I’m working to bond with my partner – isn’t that what cohabitation is all about?
Charlie, 24

Both Edward and Fran seem to be trying to impose their own ways of relaxing! Fran is slightly more in the wrong for ignoring Penny, but they should find a compromise. Maybe watch TV together some evenings, and choose a less passive, more ADHD-friendly activity on others.
Patricia, 31

Great job on getting an official diagnosis, Fran – as someone with ADHD, I know how tough this can be. That said, your argument that a film is not a collective experience because you watch through your eyes leads to the conclusion that, because we all experience the world through our own eyes, collective experiences are impossible.
Spencer, 31

The giveaway here is Edward saying, “I don’t want to keep on at [Fran] as it’s not fun, but she should try harder to focus.” He’s admitting he has little sympathy towards or understanding of Fran’s condition. Fixing that should be his priority, not what they watch on telly.
Jackie, 45

I empathise with Fran’s ADHD, but agree with Edward that she should stop double-screening during movie nights. Would you do this at the cinema? She should try to turn her phone off or leave it in another room. If she really can’t watch a movie without scrolling, maybe they need to find a new couples activity.
Augustin, 28