The prosecution: Sirius
Polly is so over-attentive to our new cat that it’s getting in the way of our sex life
Just over a week ago, my girlfriend Polly and I found a kitten abandoned on the roadside, so decided to take it in. It was about four weeks old and we’ve named it Tagus.
While I’m loving looking after Tagus, I’m also keen to protect our own lives as a couple. In order to do that, Polly and I have tried to set some boundaries with Tagus – but I’m clearly better at that than her.
I’m more pragmatic, more cold. My approach is: give love at one point, be distant another. I want to put the kitten in her cage (we call it the “casa”) for three to four hours during the day, and all night while we sleep.
Polly is more anxious. We’re supposed to let Tagus out of her casa at 7am, but Polly will hear her whining at 5.30am and get up – but then she makes me go out to look after the cat. Polly gets all the cat love in this new relationship, but I feel like I’m doing more of the work.
I want Polly’s attention, and to preserve the romance in our relationship. But I can feel this other thing seeping in, and that thing is the cat. We recently had a romantic weekend away, and bought a huge pack of condoms for it, but ended up not using any because that was the weekend we found the cat. Tagus wandered over to us when we were on our way there, and then the whole weekend was just about her.
Polly doesn’t want to have sex whenever there’s someone within 50 metres of us, as the walls in our house are thin. But now the cat is always within two metres of us, so it’s affecting our love life. I actually don’t know if we will ever have sex again.
We live in a third-floor apartment. Sometimes I will go out on the balcony with Tagus and Polly will get really angry. She feels it isn’t safe. But I hold Tagus really carefully. The less concerned I am, the more concerned Polly becomes.
It’s a push and pull. This cat is going to stress her out for 20 years unless she learns to relax. I don’t think she needs to be so highly strung. We can’t put our lives on hold for this little cat.
The defence: Polly
The cat needs love and affection and I’m the one who gives her that. Sirius is the disciplinarian
We’ve only owned Tagus for a short while, but we’ve become obsessed with her and love her so much. However, Sirius and I have already had a lot of disagreements about how best to parent her. We have different approaches.
I stress over her because I want her to be happy. I don’t like to hear her moaning early in the morning, so I will get up and break routine by letting her out of the cage. I’ll give her a snuggle, and then I will go back to bed and ask Sirius to look after her. Tagus sees me as the person who gives her the love and Sirius as the disciplinarian.
She has a special whine that gets me out of bed now. It’s more high pitched than her usual one. I’m just giving her the love she deserves, but Sirius says the cat is getting more love than him right now.
When we first adopted the cat, she was in the room with us loads, so I couldn’t have sex. It’s true that the cat has affected our sex life, but hopefully that’s only temporary.
The other weird thing is that Sirius has started to say that I treat him like the cat. He says I kiss him on the head in the same way I kiss Tagus. Maybe the affection I’m giving to Tagus has replaced the affection I should be giving to him. Who knows. He says I’ve started parenting him like Tagus, but I’m not deliberately doing that.
The thing with Tagus is that she is so small – she fits in the palm of my hand – so I worry for her safety. I hate it when Sirius walks on to the balcony with her – it really worries me. It feels like she’s not quite real yet and I’m scared Sirius will break her. He wants to take her into the bed, but I’m scared he will smother her.
We just have different parenting styles. We love having the cat around, but I have sent her on a little holiday with a friend for a bit and that has been quite nice.
Maybe I’m too nervous. But I don’t want Sirius to take Tagus on the balcony, especially when he’s a bit drunk. He needs to be more careful with her on a day-to-day basis and then I can relax.
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The jury of Guardian readers
Should Polly give more attention to Sirius and less to the new kitten?
When you “adopted” (abducted?) this four-week-old kitten didn’t you know it needed her mother for its first six to nine weeks (“ideally 13”, I’m advised)? Rather than being “relaxed”, maybe a more responsible, less selfish approach would be better for this tiny animal. Both guilty.
Corinne, 77
Guys, the kitten is only a few weeks old and is still craving its mother. Like it or not, it’s like having a child. The first few weeks/months are hard work. Sex? Do it in the shower! Polly, if I worried about people hearing me, I’d never have sex. We all live in boxes. Relax – you both need to compromise a bit.
Baram, 55
The kitten needs love and protection not discipline. In return, Tagus will give them both love and happiness. It will respond to who gives it food, care and affection, which at present comes mostly from Polly. Sirius needs to shape up, grow up, and stop being so needy.
Chris, 77
Sirius needs to relax – and remember it takes time for things to find their level when a pet is introduced into a home. Taking things so personally seems petulant. Let’s face it: it’s a cat, and will soon be doing whatever it likes, when it likes anyway!
Gareth, 41
Why must the cat be caged? And why bring it to bed, knowing that’s an intimacy deal-breaker? Keep Tagus off the balcony for now, lose the cage and learn to have sex with the cat nearby. It’s a good job that the third member of this household isn’t a baby!
Allison, 62
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Polly transfer her affections back to Sirius?
The poll closes on 24 October at 10am BST
Last week’s result
We asked whether Amala should stop bringing “junk” home to furnish the flat she shares with Ruby.
29% of you said yes – Amala is guilty
71% of you said no – Amala is innocent
