The prosecution: Rhea
As a couple, we shouldn’t condone that behaviour – plus we’re friends with the ex
Brody and I have been together for eight years and have a big friendship group. Recently a couple in the group broke up and it’s dividing our wider circle. My sympathies are with the girl who got cheated on. I think it’s right that, as a couple, we don’t condone this behaviour and make it known where our loyalties lie.
But Brody doesn’t want to pick a side. He says that we have no business getting involved in a breakup and that he wants to stay friends with them both. To me, that is a cop-out. I always say “a friend to all is a friend to none”, and by trying to be impartial he is actually showing where his sympathies lie. Naturally, this has been the pattern for most of the couples in our group: the guys want to look cool and stay friends with the guy who cheated, while the girls are pretty much all on her side.
Brody’s 30th birthday is coming up soon and there’s a big debate about who we invite. Brody believes we shouldn’t ostracise anyone. He wants to invite both the guy and the girl. I’ve already told the girl that, as a couple, Brody and I support her. But if Brody gets his way, she’ll see her cheating ex there. It’s not a good look.
He says if we invite everyone, we’ve covered our backs. But I think we need to make a point. I’m disappointed because I didn’t think that Brody was that much of a sheep. He’s very progressive and takes my side on a lot of feminist issues. I don’t have to explain things to him the way some of my friends do with their partners. But on this issue, I’m a bit shocked.
I don’t think we should be going out of our way to stay friends with a guy who cheats. Brody was actually closer to the girl who got cheated on – they went to university together. So it blows my mind that he is morphing into one of those “bros” who doesn’t challenge toxic male behaviour. It feels like a win for the patriarchy. Maybe I’m getting triggered by the whole thing because I was cheated on in the past. I don’t think Brody would cheat on me, but this situation is making me feel weird. I’m just trying to be a good friend.
The defence: Brody
Other people’s breakups aren’t any of our business. All we can do is try to maintain our friendships
Rhea is making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. Firstly, another couple’s relationship has very little to do with us. We might all be in the same friendship group, but I don’t think every person needs to get involved if one couple breaks up.
My take is this: if we act as neutral as possible, then we get to keep all our friends. Surely that’s a win for me and Rhea? I love the couple that broke up. I wasn’t as close to the guy at first, as I knew the girl from our university days, but over the years we’ve partied and travelled together a lot. Obviously when I found out that he had cheated, I was sad for them both. But I don’t know the ins and outs of their relationship, so I reserve judgment.
I’ve actually heard he’s with a new girl now, the one he cheated with, so it’s not like he cheated just for a laugh – there was a real reason. I’m not condoning cheating, but it sounds like the relationship was on the rocks for a while before it ended.
To keep everyone happy, I’ve invited both of them to my birthday. Rhea called me a wet wipe, but what am I supposed to do? Stop inviting my friend out because he cheated? It really isn’t my business. Breakups are hard in a big group – people gossip and want you to pick a side. But we don’t have to. If I invite them both, they can work it out, and Rhea and I get to stay out of it.
Of course we’ll give the girl a heads-up and she can make her own decision. I want to stay in contact with her, but I probably talk to the guy more now. It doesn’t mean I agree with his actions or want to be like him. I’m a bit worried for my future with Rhea if this happens again, because of how heated she’s getting over it. More of our friends will inevitably break up and we can’t be arguing over it; it’s not healthy.
I’ve never cheated on a partner and I’d never cheat on Rhea. But now Rhea says I am making her feel weird because I am agreeing with the guy. I don’t think that’s the case. I just believe the situation is more nuanced than “cut him out, he’s a bad guy”. I honestly think this is the best solution for all involved.
The jury of Guardian readers
Who needs to get their affairs in order?
Brody shouldn’t be forced to “unfriend” the man, but it’s unreasonable to invite both to the party. It is the man who has inflicted damage on the woman. Having him there will cause her significant distress. If she doesn’t attend, the man becomes the chosen friend.
Andrew, 35
It may be his party, but I doubt Brody can keep a neutral friendship with the girl by ignoring her feelings. He should ask what she wants, then if she doesn’t want him there, let the guy know why he’s not invited. By cheating, he’s created this situation and brought consequences on himself.
Jesse, 25
I’m of the view that no one can ever know what is happening in someone else’s relationship. As a lifelong feminist, I do understand where Rhea is coming from, but it’s Brody’s birthday not hers!
Carolyn, 64
If Brody wants to keep both friends, he shouldn’t invite the guy. By inviting him, the ex would either have to not go, or be very uncomfortable, which isn’t a great position to put a friend in. Brody should tell him he still wants to be friends, but he can’t be invited right now.
Aisling, 27
The girl was Brody’s friend from university. When I put myself in her place, I would have expected my male college friends to stand by me if a man cheated on me, regardless of whether they knew him, liked him or went on holiday with him. They were my friends first and I would have stood by them if the situation was reversed.
Blue, 58
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Brody cut off the cheating friend?
The poll closes on Thursday 27 February at 10am GMT
Last week’s results
We asked whether Raf should pay to custom frame his partner’s beloved art.
16% of you said yes – Raf is guilty
84% of you said no – Raf is innocent
