It was 6:30pm on a Friday. The house was silent and still; it was just me and my wide-eyed Frenchie.
Euphoric, I hopped up and down as I told her: ‘We have the whole house to ourselves all week.’
Then I poured myself a rare glass of rosé and popped on Netflix.
I had just helped my husband bundle our kiddos, wearing pyjamas, into the car and kissed them goodbye as they all set off for a four-hour journey to Grandma’s.
The rest of my family were going to be away for 10 whole days.
Sitting on the sofa without a five or three old climbing on my lap – and not having to multitask by folding laundry while answering emails – was bliss. I had space to rest with zero guilt.
As any mum or dad knows, parenting can be relentless. As well as this, my husband Phil and I run our own businesses, so there just never seemed to be an actual ‘day off’.
Until now.
Phil and I built a system that allows us both to take breaks from the family and focus on our work, but also our friendships, creativity and joy. It’s normal for one of us to go away – for a day, a weekend, or even a week or two – leaving the other on their own.
During these breaks, I slip away to spa hotels and country pubs (wherever I can find a last-minute bargain) to have uninterrupted time to be creative.
I’ve even been able to sneak away to France or Spain on my own once or twice during half-term, while the kids are happily holidaying with their grandparents and my husband is at work. At least once a year (usually for my birthday), we make sure to sneak away together.
Carving out time alone to focus on who we are outside of Mum and Dad is a key part of Phil and I’s approach to parenting in general.
As much as I dreamt of being that parent making healthy packed-lunches, doing messy art projects and bringing the kids on wild hikes, I also wanted a successful and fulfilling career.
Thankfully, I’ve found it is possible to have both – I just need to devote dedicated time to each, separately.
During Covid, when my children were really young with no childcare opportunities, I tried to juggle kids and work at the same time.
It was awful. I found myself being impatient with them because I was always just trying to get something at work finished, and everything took longer because simple tasks were stretched across entire days between meals, playtime and nappy changes.
Everything changed for the better when Phil and I decided to just split the days in half: one of us worked from 8-1 while the other watched the kids, then we’d switch.
Each of us having a focused five-hour day made a huge difference in our productivity, stress-levels, and joy. When it was our turn with the kids we could be totally present and stress free.
We learned quite quickly that the need to carve out space for joy as a parent is the same as it is with entrepreneurship, so we set about right away to build a life where we each get time and space for work, friends, travel and fitness. After five years of trial and error we’re in a really good place.
But the more parents I get to know, the more I realise our way of life is a bit unconventional. It seems parents prioritising their needs as individuals isn’t a very common practice, something I first started to notice during pregnancy.
As an expecting mum in the UK I noticed a narrative coming from many sources that to be a good mother you must endure whatever it takes, no matter the personal cost.
Perhaps this is part of the reason that according to the World Health Organisation (WHO) almost 1 in 5 women will experience a mental health condition during pregnancy or in their first postpartum year.
Women shouldn’t be expected to simply accept a constant state of stress and sacrifice as a consequence of having children – it’s cruel, and it doesn’t serve anyone.
As mothers, I think we are often our own worst enemy, we struggle to ask for help and we’re prone to skip acts of self care because they feel ‘selfish’.
Personally, while I’ve definitely had my share of guilt, I am getting better at asking for what I need and I have pretty much always been comfortable flying in the face of what society expects of me. Now that I’m in my 40s I am also fine with people thinking I’m selfish, because I know that the way do we do things is a huge benefit my family, my marriage, and my mental health.
Plus, I want my girls to grow up with a mother who is happy, healthy, fulfilled and vibrant, with parents who model living life fully, with joy at the centre.
A really important part of this equation is their dad. My husband is an amazing, involved father; he’s often the better, more fun parent. I never have guilt leaving because I know the girls will have a ball.
Of course I do miss them when I go away, but honestly life with two children under five is so hectic, that I’ve not yet been away long enough to feel fully recovered when I return.
When I get the space to exercise my creativity, be it writing my book or directing a photo shoot, I feel refreshed. I usually get a good night’s sleep and eat delicious grown-up meals as slowly as I want.
I get little glimpses of my life before children where time felt more infinite, and it’s delightful.
I discuss many of these ideas about personal growth, self-care and the myth of ‘work-life balance’ on my podcast, Joy First.
In it, I help business owners, busy parents, workaholics and perfectionists to move past the clutches of fear-based decisions and worrying about what other people think.
I offer practical, low-risk ways to start experimenting with finding, choosing and sharing joy each day, in a way that doesn’t add to your to-do list.
But I’m by no means saying choosing to live in a joy first way means there’s never struggle. Since my husband and I are both self-employed, life can be challenging and sometimes unpredictable. When we’re both having stressful moments at the same time, we have to just shift into survival mode.
But this has forced us to develop a great rhythm of give and take. It feels really good to receive support, but also to be able to offer it without resentment or martyrdom. The flexibility we have created gives us access to what feels like a really balanced approach to parenting, and true partnership.
These days we definitely feel like we live a ‘pinch me’ kind of life… it feels almost too good to believe it’s real.
But it is, and it’s not an accident. Leaving your kids at home while you jet around the world might not be conventional, but my husband and I (with support from our families) have worked hard to create this reality together, and we’re really grateful for it (nearly) every day.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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