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THE school nativity is a key date in the school calendar where proud mums and dads get to gush over their child’s fleeting moment in the spotlight.
And the part your child plays says more than you might think.
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Research by Virgin Media revealed those who played the role of an ox went on to earn 43k a year, just over twice as much as the lambs or sheep.
Meanwhile, ‘Marys’ are the most likely to be content in their adult life followed by the ‘Josephs’.
Nobody knows more about what your child’s part in the nativity means than the teachers themselves.
Our secret teacher who has worked in schools for more than 20 years, spills all the nativity secrets and reveals what your child’s part means and why.
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Tiers of rage
There’s undoubtedly a tier system within a school play – Mary and Joseph are top, followed by the three wise men and Angel Gabriel, then the shepherds, then an ox or a donkey and finally a sheep.
We know it, the parents know it and most children do too. And parents are often furious when they discover how low down their child is.
As a sweeping generalisation Mary goes to the ‘good’ child as a reward. And the sheep parts go to the naughty ones who can’t be trusted to behave themselves on stage.
But there are other factors at play too….
Pushy parents
If you’re constantly emailing us, asking about the school play then it will almost certainly work against you – we get fed up. So if two children audition and are equally good then we’ll choose our favourite or the one without a pushy mum.
But if you’re so pushy that you’re head of the PTA it might just work in your favour – because sometimes it’s an easy way to curry favour with you and stop you interfering in the day to day running of the school. We like to keep you sweet and though the play means everything to you, in the grand scheme of things it’s inconsequential to us, it’s certainly not part of the curriculum.
But tread carefully as it’s a fine line!
Bribery
Parents often bribe us to try to get their kids a good part. They’ll offer to help with costumes or set design so they’re in there and we feel obliged to make sure they have a good part. This is quite a good way in as we do feel indebted and very grateful for anyone that does muck in. But if you don’t follow through on your promise your child will be consigned to a tiny bit part for ever more.
But one mum took it a step further and gave the drama teacher a bottle of limoncello just after the winter half term break. She used going to Italy for half term as an excuse to bring it in for her – but we all knew what she was up to as no other teacher got a present! To be fair it worked. Her child didn’t get Mary but was cast as a Wise Man.
Another one tried to use the fact she’d recently got divorced to persuade us to make her child have a starring role – it might have worked if we didn’t know the reason her husband left her was because she’d been sleeping with his best mate!
Script rants
Sometimes teachers are so fed up with the jostling for the prime parts they decide to go off piste and not do a traditional play. One year we did a Russian folk tale – which had nearly all the parents up in arms. Another year we decided to put on a concert with all the children having an allotted time – that wasn’t popular either, most parents want a traditional play.
Once we had three Marys and Josephs which didn’t go down well at all. It’s funny as children don’t think to tell their parents, they’re one of three in the main part, so the parent has been so thrilled and then feels disappointed when their child isn’t the one and only, cue more ranting emails.
Mary Mary quite contrary
As I say there’s a sweeping generalisation about the ‘good child’ getting Mary. But there are other factors at play that can be contradictory.
Sometimes it will be the best actress and other parents will complain that they always get the good part. But I don’t understand why – no one complains if the children that are good at hockey always get in the first team, so it shouldn’t really be any different.
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On another occasion we decided the child that stole the show at the summer play should give another child a chance. The mother was an amateur actress herself and was so outraged she stormed in to complain and then actually moved her child out of the school the next term.
Tiger mums…and dads
Parents definitely care more than their children. We had one mum who was thrilled when her son was Joseph. The day before he decided to pull out as he got stage fright. Of course we didn’t force a six year old to go on …but the mother was devastated and accused us of ruining her Christmas as she’d been looking forward to him doing it so much.
Another time a little girl got a bit lost on stage, afterwards I heard her dad telling her off for embarrassing HIM. I went up and made a point of telling her how well she’d done and we did have a good bitch about the dad later in the staff room – behaviour like that gets gossiped about.
On the topic of dads, the female teachers do like the chance to eye up the sexy dads and the school play is one occasion where you can guarantee getting a good showing of them. We’ll be back stage eyeing them up and ranking them as they file in.
Who’s who in the school nativity?
Mary: The good child, the best actress, the PTA mum’s little darling or the teacher’s pet
Joseph: See above
The Angel Gabriel: Teacher’s pet or a shy child we want to let shine
Three wise men: The good middle ranking child
Shepherds: Well behaved and able to keep control of sheep
Ox/Donkey: Someone we are wary of giving a speaking role to, but unlikely to misbehave too badly
Sheep: The naughty ones, who we can’t trust an inch…but it doesn’t matter if they jump off stage, run away…because sheep are skittish anyway.
The scatty mum
Though not as maddening as the pushy mum – you’re not helping your child’s cause if you’re the flakey mum who always forgets when a non-uniform day is. We don’t trust you to help your child learn their lines or make their costume…so we give your child a low maintenance role with a costume we can fashion from the lost and found box just in case!
We also keep spare costumes backstage in case there are accidents – children don’t usually wet themselves because they’re scared but because they’re so over excited.
On the flip side some mums really go to town, one made such a huge crown for her ‘wise man’ child that it blocked out most of the action and another one sent endless emails asking whether royal blue or sky blue was a more appropriate Mary colour.
We are not that invested, you choose!
When the curtain goes down…
The relief is immense – when we start planning after October we get into a prematurely happy and Christmassy state, by the time it’s over we are completely over it and very ready for a lot of well earnt drinks in the pub.
Though we probably won’t get as drunk as the heckling dad who turned up three years on the trot at one of the primary schools, so drunk he was falling off his seat.
I was tasked with asking him to leave after he started heckling. Please don’t be that parent, it’s an even worse sin than being the pushy one.
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