The first time I heard the phrase “mental load” was a eureka moment.
For so long I’d struggled with not just the physical demands of motherhood — the ironing, the tidying, the ferrying to and fro — but also the cognitive burden of it all. The incessant deluge of thoughts that circled my head like a conveyor belt had always been difficult to verbalise. It was strangely satisfying to have a descriptor that summarised the weight of what I was experiencing in two simple words.
Flowers, breakfast in bed and ‘Best Mum Ever’ mugs on Mother’s Day can feel like empty gestures when all you have to look forward to for the rest of the year are dirty dishes and soiled underwear. For some mums, an acknowledgment of the mental load, or an attempt to lighten it, would go much further than a few kind words and some cutesy gifts.
‘The mental load feels heavy. It feels never ending. It feels like there’s always something that I need to be thinking about and be 10 steps ahead of,’ says Eve*, 46, who is a mum-of-one. ‘If I’m not 10 steps ahead and I miss something, I beat myself up about it.’
Defined as the invisible cognitive and emotional labour it takes to run a household, mothers are facing a ‘mental load’ epidemic that extends far beyond Mothering Sunday.
Recent research from the University of Bath and the University of Melbourne found mothers handle 71% of household tasks that require mental effort, plus 79% of daily jobs like cleaning and childcare — over twice as much as dads.
This unseen work can lead to stress, burnout and even impact women’s careers, the researchers said.
‘Sometimes I can’t concentrate on the actual work that earns me money because I’m trying to firefight all this other stuff,’ Eve tells Metro.
‘My five-year-old starting school, for example. Oh my God! The amount of emails you get and the things she needs to be involved with. She needs to be here, she needs to be there, this one needs a present, that one needs something else.’
One of the main culprits that adds to her mental load is finances. ‘Money is a lot of it.
‘Have I got enough in the account to cover all of our outgoings? Have I done the budget correctly to allow for all of the increases in our bills so that we’re not set up to fail?
‘Then it’s just the daily thoughts of, we need food, we need clean clothes, we need to live in a clean house. My daughter has breathing problems, so I ask myself if it’s because I haven’t dusted and hoovered her room enough. But I haven’t got time to do that anymore because I work full-time, so when will I be able to fit in making sure our home is pristine over making sure she’s got something to eat?’
Though she lives with her husband, it’s been a struggle getting him to participate in the running of the household.
‘It’s not on his radar. He doesn’t think about things in the same way that I do. I have these discussions with him all the time where he’s like, “Yeah, I’ll do whatever I can to take the load off,” but the problem with that is it’s sometime-ish. He might do it for a little bit, but then it’s like the novelty wears off.’
Single mum-of-three, and co-host of the Not as we Planned podcast, Tash Gershfield, 36, uses social media to document her home life. ‘I feel like mums in general don’t really get much praise for going above and beyond what they need to do for their kids,’ she tells me. ‘But I think if men were to do half of what we do, they’d get praised for it.’
As a single mum, she takes on the mental load of ‘managing the house, sorting out the cleaning and the cooking, but then also taking on three kids’ emotions and behavior’.
‘Not being able to tag team with a partner is probably one of the most challenging parts,’ she adds.
For Tash, however, life as a single mum isn’t too dissimilar to her former married life as it relates to the mental load. ‘Sadly, going from being married to being a single mum, I don’t think the mental load has changed that much. Even when I don’t have my kids and they’re with their dad, I still feel like I can’t switch off from making sure everything is sorted out for their extracurricular activities and dentist appointments and doctor’s appointments and haircuts.
‘It’s all those extra things that you aren’t able to take a break from. You want to think that you can halve the mental load when there are two [present] parents, but I don’t always think that happens, unless you have a particular type of partner.’
Francesca, 36, is a mum to a six-year-old son and an 11-year-old daughter who is in her first year of secondary school. She’s learnt that the demands of the mental load differ based on each child’s needs.
‘With my six year old it’s a lot more practical. It’s things like making sure he’s eaten, that he’s clean and that he hasn’t done something naughty,’ she explains. ‘Whereas with older children, it’s all the unseen things, which is actually probably more taxing. Obviously they’re a lot more independent so it’s having to think two steps ahead of them in the sense of what they may or may not do, even if you’ve got a good kid.
‘You’re having to make sure that they’re not getting themselves into anything that they shouldn’t, as well as making sure that you know what school life is like for them, whether that be the actual work or whether that be their friendship circle. You need to spend extra energy on someone who may withhold information because they say very little as they get older. And that is taxing when all you want to do when you come home from work is get in the shower and go to bed.’
This time of year, there are always surveys claiming mums want flowers or ‘more time with the kids’ on Mother’s Day. Those things are great, but it’s hard to enjoy quality time when you’re burdened with a never-ending, disproportionate to-do list.
‘There’s a level of appreciation that mum’s should get, especially if you’re in a couple, because there’s an unspoken workload,’ says Francesca.
‘It’s not like kids are just automatically fed or clean, or they’ve got clothes that fit them, or they go to birthday parties and they have a present with them. I don’t think mums are looking for awards for doing things for the little people they love, it would just be good to get some acknowledgement.’
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