Human sexuality is often likened to a fingerprint: our desires, fantasies and physical responses are as unique as the ridges on our fingers. In session, when I share this analogy with couples, they are relieved to know it’s actually normal to be different from their partner.
While it’s true that no two people are the same, when it comes to “mismatched libido” a predictable scenario will usually play out. In my first session with a couple, they will sit on opposite sides of the couch and say they haven’t had sex in months, or years. They are lost and desperate. One of them will share that they feel unwanted, and the other will admit that they want to want it, they just don’t. Because of this, they feel broken. They both agree sex is important for their relationship, but now it has become a stressful, awkward topic where discussion almost certainly ends in conflict. Desire discrepancy, or as many call it a “mismatched sex drive”, is one of the most common reasons people come to see me. It’s also why I dedicated a whole chapter to navigating desire in my book The Modern Guide to Sex.
Couples assume I’ll tell them to have sex every single night, or schedule it in their shared iCal. Most people think the solution is to “just do it more”. This isn’t the case. To resolve a sexual impasse, we need to step back and understand what desire is, what’s affecting it and how a couple can create more mutual pleasure.
What is desire?
Desire is a longing, wanting or motivation for sex. At times it may feel existentially threatening, like hunger or thirst, but unlike food and water, not getting enough sex is not going to kill you. Understanding that there’s no “right” or “healthy” amount of sex is essential, which is why in session we challenge words like “mismatched”. You’re not necessarily in a mismatched relationship just because you don’t want to have sex at the same time.
I’ve found these assumptions often assign the blame to the person with lower desire. They can feel that they’re the one with the problem, and may even turn up to a session on their own, leaving the partner with the self-proclaimed “high sex drive” at home. We’ve been socialised to think that the person who wants sex is normal, but desire discrepancy is a relational concern. Both people have contributed to the sexual dynamic, which means both people need to be in a session if they want to make progress.
We start by looking at what happens outside of the bedroom. In recent years, the awareness of desire styles has been pivotal in reframing the expectations of sex. Many people assume we should want sex instantly, but there are actually two desire types that exist on a spectrum. On the one end we have spontaneous desire, which, as the name suggests, is an urge for sex that seemingly comes out of nowhere. We see this a lot in porn and in movies, and tend to experience it at the start of a relationship. But there’s another style, responsive desire, which emerges in response to external or internal cues. Rather than feeling an innate urge, those who are responsive may experience desire after receiving neck kisses for a few minutes, feeling emotionally connected to their partner, being away on holiday or watching a sex scene.
When working with a young queer couple, one of them shared that a big part of her desire for sex was the build-up – she wanted to be touched slowly and sensually, she wanted to be flirted with outside of sex. In learning about responsive desire, she realised she didn’t have a low sex drive, it was that she was not getting enough of what she needed in order to feel turned on.
Most couples who struggle with desire are waiting for it to smack them in the face, or to feel the way it did at the start of their relationship. In reality, they may need to actively create the context for themselves and their partner, instead of hoping it will just happen.
Another misconception is that low desire is a gendered issue. It’s widely assumed that men have higher desire than women. This is not true. Recently a heterosexual couple told me they struggled with this pervasive assumption. While the woman in this couple believed intellectually that it was normal for her to want sex more than her partner, she still felt that there was something wrong with her. As if she was greedy or obsessed with sex. Meanwhile, he felt inadequate, like he was letting his partner – and his gender – down. Your genitals or your gender say nothing about how much you will want sex. Sexual desire is a multifaceted and dynamic phenomenon, and it is influenced by a wide range of factors, both internal and circumstantial.
What affects desire?
When I asked another couple to talk me through their day, the 40-year-old woman was responsible for everything: their kids, managing the household and all the invisible, never-ending labour. She spoke about the resentment building for her husband knowing his primary focus was getting himself to and from work. At night, when she collapsed on the couch for her first moment of reprieve, she then felt her husband’s hand wandering up her leg, and was ‘repulsed’ by the idea of sex. Sure, she didn’t have anything else to do at that moment, but she also had nothing left to give. Sex was the furthest thing from her mind.
As I do with all couples, with this pair we mapped out the things that turn them off (sexual inhibition) and the things that turn them on (sexual excitation). It’s different for everyone but factors like stress, fatigue, mental load, low sexual confidence, performance anxiety and relationship conflict all affect desire. So even if you love your partner deeply and you’re attracted to them, you may experience a decrease in desire due to the turn-offs at play. It is virtually impossible to desire or prioritise sex when you’re overwhelmed by turn-offs.
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Couples need to work together to manage and remove some of those turn-offs. On a practical level that may mean sharing the mental load, taking more time to build arousal before jumping into sex, or working on conflict resolution skills. Couples also need to engage in more turn-ons: doing things with and for each other that feel sexually exciting.
Creating more pleasure
Often, the person with lower desire for sex is so cautious about giving their partner the “wrong idea”, they withdraw any kind of sensual or sexual intimacy. They stop kissing their partner, they stop telling them they look good, they stop touching them. They fear that if they do any of these things, it may suggest sex is on the table, which means they’ll have to go through the guilt-ridden process of saying no – again. In these cases I assign an experiment: don’t have sex for for a month and instead explore moments of pleasure. This removes the pressure and couples start doing things that feel comfortable and doable: kissing on the couch, showering together, sending flirty texts, sharing fantasies, reading erotica together.
When I suggest this experiment I’m met with a blend of scepticism and relief. They are hesitant to take sex off the cards. Some fear they will get too comfortable and never have sex again. But their relief is enough to motivate them, which quickly turns to excitement when they realise they actually want to be sexual with their partner. Feeling excited about dry-humping on the couch for 30 minutes can be enough to reassure someone their desire isn’t dead. After doing this experiment, couples come back to session saying they are more sexually fulfilled, more connected and that they’ve started to desire more.
The most sexually fulfilled long-term couples are the ones who define sex as being about pleasure, rather than penetration, and who engage in frequent and playful sexual moments. They are more sexually satisfied than couples who have frequent and unfulfilling penetrative sex. These couples value sex, agree it’s important for their relationship and recognise that it may not always be front of mind, and that it may change over time.
They also commit to doing things that feel pleasurable for themselves and their partner. By staying in bed on a Saturday morning rather than going to the gym, leaving the washing pile for an extra hour and sharing the mental load so that both people can access more pleasure without the burden of stress, these couples prioritise sexual intimacy. They set dates and have sex before they go out, because they know they’ll be too tired and full by 10pm. They try to make sex about fun, pleasure and feeling good, rather than about performance and pressure.
I see firsthand how distressing desire discrepancy can be, but I also see couples who walk into my practice feeling hopeless and lost then leave feeling connected and more sexually satisfied. They inch closer to each other on the couch and even hold hands through the tricky bits. You are not broken if you’re struggling with sex, but you will need to do things differently if you want it to change.
