Voices: I’ve lost a friend because I can’t stand her terrible boyfriend

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Dear Vix,

I’ve fallen out with one of my oldest and dearest friends – because of her awful boyfriend. I can’t stand him – and she knows that. So does he.

I have good reason: he’s treated her terribly… he’s cheated on her (and others before her); he’s been abusive towards her and calls her names; he doesn’t work or contribute anything to the household bills – he doesn’t even bother getting out of bed to take the kids to school, even though she’s working full-time and he isn’t.

I could understand, perhaps, if he was a nice guy and just having a few struggles, but he’s not even that. He barely looks up when I go round to see my friend – he’s rude and gruff and constantly on his phone. I have no proof, but I just know he is cheating on her. Why wouldn’t he, when he knows he can get away with it? He’s done it before and she forgave him.

I don’t understand why she is allowing herself to be treated this way and why she stays with him. I’ve been there for her through every terrible row; I’ve been to the police with her about him before and I’ve helped her gather the courage to leave him dozens of times. But she always goes back.

I just can’t take it anymore – I can’t bear seeing this happen over and over again to someone I love. To tell you the truth, I actually can’t stand discussing it time and time again when nothing changes. It’s so repetitive and frustrating. When I tried to explain how I felt about it, she said, “I don’t understand why you hate him so much” – and I was speechless. I just stared at her like she was an alien. It feels like she’s trying to completely erase history and pretend nothing has happened.

I’ve given up so much of my time supporting her and trying to help her to leave him, only for her to throw it back in my face and choose to stay! I’m sick of it. So I’ve distanced myself and we’re barely speaking. Am I a terrible friend?

Guilty

Dear Guilty,

You’re not a terrible friend – you can’t be. You love your friend and want the best for her. I understand your anger, clear upset and frustration. The problem is: your friend doesn’t want to be saved. It’s a cliché, but it’s true: the only person who can save her, is her.

But there’s more to consider, here. Not least the fact that if your friend is in an abusive relationship, it can be incredibly difficult to get out (so the element of “choice” and “agency” is a grey area). These kinds of relationships are usually slippery and full of fear, confusion – even threat.

It’s easy to say, “why don’t you just leave” – it’s only when you’ve been in an abusive relationship that you can understand how hard it is.

I would imagine your friend is being treated in an inconsistent way, being fed breadcrumbs of affection… just enough to keep her there. Toxic partners often rely on being “hot and cold” (or, Jekyll and Hyde) to make sure you stay. They’ll be affectionate one minute, withholding the next. It’s a bit like gambling – it leaves the victim walking on eggshells, desperately hoping for a win.

On TV and in films, we often see this played out where one person is violent or verbally abusive, then tries to “make up for it” by buying flowers or breaking down in a tearful apology, swearing they “didn’t mean it” and will “never do it again”. It never stops the behaviour from repeating itself, of course.

Some domestic abuse charities report that it takes victims an average of seven attempts before they finally leave. The most important thing is that she has someone there to support her when she does. That’s where you come in.

It can be deeply frustrating, even maddening for us to watch people we care about making terrible decisions. You want to shake them to make them “see sense”. Or, you might find it so upsetting that you shout at them and tell them they’re being “stupid”. You might even cut them off to wash your hands of the whole thing.

I get it. It’s hard and painful. But it won’t help your friend. The sad truth is that the more isolated she feels, the less she may feel able to leave this (horrible-sounding) man. Perhaps you can show her what real love looks and feels like – by being there for her unconditionally.

That doesn’t have to mean immersing yourself in her problems, though. Sometimes, we can be over involved – to the point of it starting to affect us and our own wellbeing.

For your own sake, I think a bit of distance isn’t a bad thing – but make sure it’s distance from endlessly discussing their relationship, not your friend. You loved each other before this man came on the scene. I would suggest trying to refocus on what brought you together in the first place.

The national domestic abuse helpline offers support for women on 0808 2000 247, or you can visit the Refuge website. There is a dedicated men’s advice line on 0808 8010 327.

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