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Dear Vix,
I can’t stop thinking about someone I’ve never met. He’s fit, successful, good looking… and I hate his guts. Why? Because he’s my boyfriend’s ex-boyfriend. And I can’t stand him.
I’ve never actually met the guy in person but I seem to think about him even more than I do my boyfriend. I stalk his social media – I check his Instagram and Twitter accounts daily; I even search through his playlists on Spotify, trying to analyse which songs he’s added. Sometimes I look up the lyrics and read through them to try and see if there’s a hidden message (or who he might be thinking about). I constantly quiz my partner about whether they’re still in touch (he says they text occasionally, but nothing regular) and if he misses him.
I just need to know how our relationship compares to theirs: whether our sex life is better than theirs was and if he’s happier with me than he ever was with him. I can’t help myself – I’m just so jealous and paranoid. Even though he says he loves me and I have nothing to worry about (and weird as it sounds, I do believe him), I’m convinced that one day he’ll realise he’s made a huge mistake and want to get back with the love of his life. It’s really coming between us now – we’re arguing a lot and it’s always about his ex. Please help. I don’t know how to get past this.
Obsessed
Dear Obsessed,
It’s no wonder that the British writer and Quaker William Penn once wrote that the jealous are “troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves” – torment being the operative word. The problem with feeling jealous – an entirely natural and human emotion that we all experience – is that the person it hurts most of all, in the end, is you.
It doesn’t appear that your suspicions are based on substance – unless we’re missing some of the story, your boyfriend isn’t in direct regular contact with his ex; they’re not meeting up or having clandestine calls and he’s been transparent with you about how he feels about you. As far as we can see, he’s telling the truth. The rest is all (negative) fantasy.
So, how about we get rid of the word “jealous” altogether and replace it with “insecure”? Doesn’t that give us a different perspective?
You sound bruised and hurt – and it sounds like you’re carrying the shadows of previous pain (from childhood, from a previous relationship) into the present day. Perhaps there was someone important to you who was inconsistent or who let you down. Maybe you learned it was impossible to believe someone would do as they promised – to trust that they’d always be there for you. But that’s in the past. This man is here and he loves you. What you’re feeling now is not actually about him (or them) at all.
What I’d ask you to do is to take some time to look inwards. You’re so busy looking outwards – at another man’s Spotify and Instagram accounts and at your own imaginings of what their relationship was like – that you’re forgetting your own tender heart. Your paranoia and fears that you somehow fail to measure up to someone else (and it could be anyone) haunt you because you haven’t dealt with them yet. You haven’t acknowledged them.
Why don’t you try looking at these feelings – with compassion and without judgement – and validating them; while also recognising that they come from you. Not from your boyfriend, not from his ex… not from the outside at all.
If it helps, try to anchor yourself in the present and say these words out loud: they’re not together anymore. Their relationship ended – there’s a reason for that. Repeat as often as you feel you need to. And share your worries with your boyfriend, if you feel able to. It may change the arguments you’ve been having into something loving, warm and reassuring. Even the act of speaking your deepest fears out loud might help you see how fabricated they are.
Limit your time on social media. If it’s becoming a problem for you – if you’re starting to feel compelled to look, and if looking drags you down a rabbit hole that leads to a lurching loop of worry and resentment – try and take a “no contact” clean break from it for 30 days. Delete the apps from your phone and switch it off when you feel the familiar urge to investigate. Go outside and breathe. Go for a fast-paced walk, even for five minutes, just to break the cycle. It will be tough, but it’s important to recognise when you’re feeling those negative urges and to act quickly to interrupt them.
Importantly, confess how you’ve been feeling to someone who feels safe. What would you tell a friend who was experiencing the same crippling feelings of insecurity and suspicion? You’d probably say to remember that your boyfriend is with you because he wants to be with you. Nobody is holding him to ransom. He’s with you because he loves you, because you’re passionate, because you love hard and fiercely – and because you’re fiercely loyal. Those qualities are startlingly clear from your letter.
And try, hard as it is, to remember that the truth is: the only person daydreaming and pining over your boyfriend’s ex… is you.
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