Dear Vix,
I’ve always been the person people turn to – whether it’s family, friends, or even co-workers. I love being there for others, but lately, I feel drained. I say yes when I really don’t want to, I take on more than I can handle and I feel guilty when I try to set boundaries. The worst part? When I do stand up for myself, I second-guess if I’m being selfish.
How do I balance being kind and supportive without sacrificing my own wellbeing? Is there a way to set boundaries without feeling like I’m letting people down? I feel like I’m drowning under the weight of other people’s problems.
People Pleaser
Dear People Pleaser,
How exhausting it is to find yourself constantly in the role of sage, listener and peacekeeper. I understand how easy it is to lapse into a position of giving: whether it’s a non-judgemental ear, a calm presence – or simply your time.
The trouble is, always giving of ourselves can be incredibly draining. Chronic people-pleasing can contribute to feelings of burnout, frustration – even anger. We can feel utterly spent; angry at being taken advantage of; irritated with others (even loved ones) for not noticing the weight of their demands. We can even, sometimes, turn these feelings of aggravation inward, to the point where it risks becoming self-loathing.
But, worst of all, people-pleasing – to me – signifies one damaging thing above others: we’re not looking after ourselves sufficiently.
People-pleasing often stems from the need to be validated by others, to prop up our self-worth. But where are your needs? Why aren’t you treating yourself as someone who’s equally deserving of compassion, time and inner peace? Why are you so willing to sacrifice yourself for everybody else? Don’t you matter?
I’m here to tell you that you do. It’s time to start believing it – and then translating it into action. I know it can feel wild to say “no”, but trust me: the more you do it, the easier it gets. If it helps, remember the analogy of the oxygen mask on a plane: if you’re so busy helping everyone around you put theirs on first, your own air supply will run out.
I would recommend that you start by blocking out some of your time in your diary for yourself every month or week in the exact same way you might block out dinner, drinks or a phone call with a friend in crisis. Write something that reminds you that you can’t take it for granted: name it ME TIME; or DATE WITH ME. Then all you need to do is to stick to it.
And it doesn’t need to be a big deal, you see – it doesn’t need to come at the expense of kids or family members who are dependent on you; but it does mean that you are prioritising yourself as much as you might, say, “dinner with Katie”.
I also have another, simple trick to get you used to saying “no”: practice, but start with the small stuff. The next time someone offers you a tea or coffee at work, say simply “No, thank you!”. When you’re asked if you want something else with your lunchtime sandwich from Pret, “No, thank you!” A napkin? “No, thank you!” Someone trying to get you to sign up for something on the street? “No, thank you!”
Do you see?
At the moment, the word “No” isn’t even part of your vocabulary. You need to teach yourself to use it, to feel comfortable with it, and then expand it to social engagements or people who ask if you’ve got time for them to vent. And resist the temptation to wring yourself out and to over-explain. Saying “Sorry, I can’t”, “Sorry, I have plans” or “Sorry, I can’t make it” is more than enough. Say it only once. You don’t need to make any other excuses.
A friend of a friend has a great answer when she suspects someone is using her as a one-way sounding board (and usually these kinds of people have form – watch out for the takers who rarely “give” it back): “Sorry, but I don’t have space right now.” Headspace, emotional space, physical space – it doesn’t really matter. Nobody “deserves” your time, but you.
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