I witnessed a spectacular row in a beer garden this summer. My fellow voyeurs and I guessed the couple were on a date – not their first but perhaps their second or third – and he’d checked his notifications too often for her liking. “Why don’t you just date your phone instead?” she snapped, standing up to leave. “Hope you’re happy together.”
I’ve edited out a few F-bombs but that was the gist. Sadly, she drained her drink rather than sloshing it in his face. Reader, I nearly stood up and applauded. “Phubbing” – a portmanteau of “phone snubbing”, or deciding to interact with your mobile rather than a person – is a 21st-century epidemic.
Last week, scientists confirmed, as they often do, what we already knew: that phubbing is bad for relationships. Well, duh. The study warned that it could even cost you your marriage. Couples who frequently phub experience more marital dissatisfaction. If your hubby is a phubbee or your wife is a phone widow, beware. “When individuals perceive that their partners are phubbing, they feel more conflict and less intimacy,” said researchers from Niğde Ömer Halisdemir University in Turkey. “People should be mindful about being present with their loved ones to show they care and put their phone away.” Amen, my white-coated friends.
I can’t bear being phubbed. The habit isn’t just rude. It sends a message that actual people matter less than digital ones. You’re effectively saying that non-urgent emails and the latest Twitter spat are more interesting than a “catch up” with that valued pal you see twice a year. Sorry mate, was my amusing anecdote keeping you from liking Instagram pics of sunsets? The ultimate phubbing insult is watching videos or browsing TikTok with the sound up. A friendship-ending offence, frankly.
I’m accustomed to being phubbed by my children. Born in the era of smartphones, online gaming and social media, they’re part of the “grunt a reply without even looking up” generation. To maintain sanity, we have a strictscreen curfew and ban at mealtimes. It’s a matter of manners. Boundaries. Standards. Other words that infuriate youngsters.
From partners or peers, phubbing is less forgivable. The average person spends three hours 23 minutes a day on their phone and checks it 58 times. It’s become a buzzing, beeping comfort blanket. If you must have it to hand, at least keep it face down out of courtesy. Besides, you can always peep when they nip to the loo.
When is it OK to phub? Perhaps when you arrive early at a large meeting and there’s a tacit agreement to swerve smalltalk until everyone arrives. In social situations, only phub for the communal good. This might include finding a funny meme, looking up a fondly remembered recipe or confirming a celebrity’s age/height/whether they’re still alive. When is it not OK? During dates, mealtimes, work appraisals, weddings, funerals and sex.
There are polite ways to phub. See ye olde “Sorry, I’ve got to take this” gesture, or the classic mouthed apology and eye-roll in mid-phone conversation. If you must phub, explain why and keep it short. Awaiting communication from a family member or crucial work news? Fine. Checking in on the latest Love Island recoupling? Not fine. A midweek football match not involving your team doesn’t qualify, despite how Sky Sports hype it up. Be honest and don’t lie about it. I call this “phibbing”.
It also raises the question of what we did in the dark days before mobiles. Hide behind the newspaper like a grumpy dad? Retreat to the kitchen or garden shed to “potter” (ie. get some peace and quiet)? Maybe we stared blankly into space until somebody said “penny for them” or clicked their fingers in front of our face to snap us out of it. Those people can phub right off.
