So, you’re a teenager, or soon will be. You probably have lots on your mind, and are feeling pretty stressed thanks to all the expectations and demands you have to deal with. Then there are the drastic and chaotic changes occurring in your body and brain.
But at least you can rely on your parents to see things your way, to support your decisions, no matter what. Right? In fact, your teens are usually when you argue with your parents more than ever.
You share the same lives, the same homes, often the same DNA – you might think your parents should agree with you on practically everything. So why is it so difficult? Much of it is, of course, down to biology, specifically the differences between your developing brain and your parents’ more rigid ones. But it’s not hopeless: there are things you can do to get along better. Here are a few of the arguments you might typically have with your parents – and how best to deal with them.
‘Get up! You’re missing the best part of the day’
Finding it a struggle to get out of bed in the morning? Do you also stay up late at night? Most teens do – but parents rarely approve of this, accusing you of laziness.
The good news is that you’re not lazy. Far from it. Those biological changes you’re undergoing can play havoc with typical sleeping patterns, and while adults usually start feeling sleepy at around 10pm, studies suggest that for teens it’s more like 1am. So, for you, trying to go to bed at 9pm is like your parents going to bed at 6pm. Ludicrous.
Also, you need more sleep because your brain is developing more and working harder. While eight hours’ sleep may be enough for adults, you might need nine, or more – so as well as getting to bed later, you need to sleep in later the next morning. It’s biology. Criticising a teen for sleeping too much is like having a go at someone running a marathon for breathing too hard.
Sadly, school and work start when they start, so opportunities for sleeping in are restricted. But try explaining some of these biological facts to your parents, and emphasising that insufficient sleep can affect your school work by obstructing learning and memory, for instance. They may be more willing to let you have those weekend lie-ins.
You can also help yourself. Regular exercise makes it easier to get to sleep. And after the early evening, try avoiding stimulating activities such as video games, social media and knocking back energy drinks – these can keep your brain awake even longer.
‘Stop being so dramatic about everything’
Has there ever been something you think is vitally important, like being at a certain party, or owning a specific item of clothing, but when you explain this to your parents they just look confused? Or even laugh?
Maybe they’ve said you’re being too dramatic. This can hurt and frustrate, but it’s not that your mum and dad are choosing not to feel the same as you. It’s more that they can’t. Their brains aren’t wired that way.
Your teenage brain is constantly maturing, but not every part matures at the same rate. Those that produce emotional responses mature quickly, so they are operating at peak performance for much of your teens. But the more logical parts of your brain that keep your emotions under control? They aren’t fully ready until your mid-20s.
The result is that teens have far more powerful emotional reactions, that require extra effort to keep under control. That’s why you are prone to emotional outbursts, and why you get so passionate about stuff that baffles your parents.
But your brain learns how to deal with powerful emotions by experiencing them. Suppressing your emotions at such a key developmental time can lead to emotional dysfunction later in life.
Think of emotions as like music: your parents are listening to tunes on the radio while driving the car, but you’re standing right next to the speakers at a concert. It’s a lot harder for you to ignore the racket, and your parents still criticise you for yelling to be heard.
If something upsets you, try to put off responding until you feel calmer. But also, don’t feel you should constantly bottle up your emotions. Any chance you get to vent or scream or punch a pillow, take it. As long as nobody, including yourself, gets hurt.
‘My house, my rules!’
A lot of arguments revolve around who does what in the family home. It’s not uncommon to experience blazing rows over where to put wet towels, who washes the dishes or messy bedrooms.
Ironically, arguments are often about something that both you and your parents insist is “no big deal”, and yet you’re both yelling about it. Why? One big factor is how your teenage brain is suddenly responding differently to familiar events.
The parts of your brain that process rewards and pleasure have been updated and overhauled, so what used to make you happy – such as toys and colourful cartoons – no longer does. Simultaneously, the parts of your brain that crave independence and control, as well as novelty, are being ramped up, meaning you’re driven to do things your way, on your terms, and seek out new experiences.
Meanwhile, your parents have just spent more than a decade providing and caring for a small child who depended on them entirely. That’s how they understand your relationship. But now, your changing brain is throwing all that out of the window and your parents will appear to have transformed from being a source of safety and comfort, to wardens and gatekeepers. This is why teens often stick close to their friends and peers, and spend less time with their parents.
There can be tension and uncertainty as you all try to figure out how your relationship now works. But some research suggests that these arguments can be a good thing, helping everyone reach a newfound understanding much faster – so long as they’re not just about the negatives. Take every opportunity to show them how independent you are, and in a quiet moment you might even praise them for letting you have some space.
‘So, how was school?’
Parents often complain that their teenagers are closed off and reluctant to talk to them about school. Can anyone blame you? School is a huge part of your life. You’re there all the time, absorbing knowledge constantly, to pass exams you’d rather not do on subjects you’re not bothered about, so you can pursue a career you were made to choose without really knowing what it all means.
Then there are all the social pressures. Never is the human brain more sensitive to approval and respect than during your teenage years, so being at school and surrounded by hundreds of your friends (and enemies) is exhausting and stressful.
Come the end of the day, you just want to forget about school. But, no, here come your parents with questions, nagging and reminders.
Actually, one solution is to give in and just tell them something – anything – about your day. Opening up about issues can take the edge off them. But do it when you’re ready, on your terms, not the moment they demand – usually when you’ve just walked through the door.
Finally, remember that underneath the bickering and friction, the unique bond you have with your parents is still there. One day, you might even be friends again.
• Why Your Parents Are Driving You Up The Wall And What To Do About It by Dean Burnett (Penguin) is out 22 August
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