This is how we do it: ‘We’ve done everything else, but haven’t had penetrative sex, because he’s very religious’

Priya, 27

His main aim is to make me feel good. I’ve certainly had the most orgasms of my life in this relationship

Ezra and I have been together for eight months and from the outside our relationship looks perfect. The only thing that might appear confusing is that we haven’t had penetrative sex, because he’s a very religious Christian. We do everything else: he goes down on me, uses his fingers and a bullet vibrator.

Before I met Ezra, I had never really met anyone who was properly religious. I’m an atheist, as are all my family and friends. We don’t even talk about religion, let alone date anyone religious. Ezra and I matched on a dating app, and what was meant to be a quick first chat turned into a seven-hour call, talking about life into the early hours. He was upfront about his faith in that first call, saying he didn’t believe in sex before marriage. He said: “If you don’t want to come to the date tomorrow, I understand.” I’d never had a proper relationship before. Most guys I dated had concealed parts of themselves and wouldn’t commit. So Ezra’s honesty struck me as kind. I wanted to find out more about him.

When we first got into bed together, it was actually better than all of the penetrative sex I’d had previously. Ezra is keen, focused and aware of body responses. His main aim is to make me feel good. I’ve certainly had the most orgasms of my life in this relationship.

Of course, there are times when I find it difficult to navigate. Occasionally, we will go too far and have to pull back. Sometimes I get tearful but he will comfort me. I don’t have a reason not to have penetrative sex, whereas he views the act as sacred because it has the ability to make new life. It’s challenging for me because I don’t believe that, but I have to respect his views. I suppose many people have different politics from their partners, and I see our difference in faith as being similar. I may not agree with him, but I admire the essential values of his religion: kindness, selflessness, honesty.

The fact that we can’t have sex before marriage makes me contemplate marriage more, but I have to push that thought out of my head: I don’t want Ezra to propose just so we can have sex. As I’m learning, patience is a virtue.

Ezra, 26

Part of me questions whether it would be easier if we didn’t do anything sexual at all

I find it difficult in moments where our intimacy goes too far and we have to rein it in. I feel as if I am really hurting Priya, and a part of me questions whether it would be easier if we didn’t do anything sexual at all. I want to make her happy, but I made a promise not to have sex before marriage. I have to stick to that commitment. My faith is important to me. But when I met Priya, I didn’t mind that she wasn’t religious. I think we are multifaceted and being a good person is my main criteria for finding love.

In bed, we do everything up to penetrative sex. In my church, we are taught that penetrative sex is sacred as it can create new life. Priya can be really forward, but it makes me feel good that she is so sexually interested in me.

I downloaded a secular dating app as I don’t have an issue with dating people who don’t share my faith. It’s not uncommon for Christians to date non-Christians. I haven’t always found it easy to negotiate my faith and the modern world I live in. I grew up in a secular community, and between the ages of 14 to 18, I questioned everything: I wondered if what I had been told growing up was real. I would still go to church, but, in the back of my mind, I wondered what I was doing there. But in time I saw how religion improved my life and how being kind, respecting others and being honest made me happier.

I don’t feel like anything is lacking in our relationship just because we haven’t had full sex. When the day comes for Priya and I to experience that I know it will make our relationship even stronger. But I don’t think a relationship hinges on one particular sex act – I feel most aroused when we are opening up to each other, vulnerable, talking endlessly and laughing: that is when I feel the most myself.