Jill, 76
If it hadn’t been for walking the dog, we would have stayed in bed for a fortnight. That first touch was such a turn-on for us both
Seven years ago, and three decades into our relationship, I was diagnosed with stage 4 non-Hodgkin lymphoma, then bladder cancer, which resulted in urostomy surgery. I lost a lot of weight and ended up with a plastic bag on my stomach, which doesn’t do a lot for your libido. Bob took great care of me, but although we remained emotionally close, we became more like housemates than lovers.
We tried to have sex, but I found it too painful and Bob was scared of hurting me. He actually thought I’d had my clitoris removed with the surgery! (Not that men of my generation knew where to find it anyway.) Then Bob also had a cancer diagnosis and his prostate removed. We didn’t have sex for about five years. Instead, I would use my back massager to pleasure myself. We just accepted that we’d never have sex again.
Then one night about a year ago, we were watching a series of sex stories called Erotic Tales. The episode was about two friends with remote-controlled his-and-hers vibrators. I didn’t even know you could get sex toys for men, other than blow-up dolls. I found a website selling toys and showed Bob. When a delivery arrived the next day, I was surprised when he passed one of the packages to me.
If it hadn’t been for walking the dog, we would have stayed in bed for a fortnight. That first touch was such a turn-on for us both and it felt good to see Bob enjoying himself.
After that came lots more laughter, looking, touching. All the things I thought were over were back – and more full-on. We now have sex several times a week. We are more sensitive to one another’s needs. We have more fun. Bob has a bad back so we’re not that physically active but we really connect.
Bob got carried away and ordered a whole collection of toys – he gave me a potted green vibrator shaped like a cactus for Mother’s Day with a label that says “keep in a warm, moist crevice” – but we don’t use them as often any more. Bob has his pot belly and I have my bag, but the toys helped make our inhibitions disappear.
Bob, 80
I had accepted that the sexual part of our relationship was over. But Jill’s email with a link to the sex toys communicated that she was interested in sex again
Jill and I got together when she was 38 and I was in my early 40s. In the early years, life was pretty hectic – we had a young baby and I had three jobs – so we were both exhausted in the evenings and weren’t intimate often. Now we have the luxury of time, we talk more and touch more.
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After Jill had her bladder removed, she had zero interest in sex and I had accepted that the sexual part of our relationship was over. But her email with a link to the sex toys communicated that she was interested in sex again, so I ordered two. We now have about 14 toys but only use one or two.
After years of sex being too painful for Jill, the toys opened up the possibility of sex again. They also opened up a conversation about sex – about what we both like and what Jill finds uncomfortable. We still have to be careful in certain positions, but Jill now communicates during sex, saying, “that feels good” or “that hurts.”
I’m not very touchy-feely. I wasn’t taught to express emotion (I can’t remember ever being cuddled by my mother), so I’m cautious about being overly demonstrative with my affection. I have an ingrained fear of rejection, which makes me avoidant and is partly why I backed off in those five years – I was afraid that Jill would think I was being too needy or turn me down. So even though I mostly initiate, I’d appreciate it if Jill initiated more.
After I had my prostate removed, I was prescribed Viagra, but it gave me headaches and also found I could still get an erection without it. Although I can no longer ejaculate and struggle to orgasm, I see Jill’s orgasms as a mark of my sexual prowess – she often climaxes two or three times, and our record is nine in one day. That gives me the satisfaction I need.
