Rejection is an inevitable part of the human experience, but despite suffering major and minor rebuffs throughout our lives, every time it happens still feels painful. From the first “no thanks” from someone you fancy at school to the kick in the stomach of a “we have decided to move forward with another candidate” letter, every rejection dents our ego.
Humans are hardwired to crave acceptance. “It’s in our blood,” says Hilda Burke, a psychotherapist, couples counsellor and author. In early human societies, she explains, “to be rejected by your community would have posed a serious threat, as individuals did not have the resources to survive alone. We are pack animals.”
Madeleine Jago, principal clinical psychologist and co-founder of Seven Lion Yard, says: “The brain processes rejection using the same neural pathways as physical pain, which may explain why rejection feels so sharp and lasting on a psychological level.”
Rejection can also alter our behaviour, creating a negative self-fulfilling prophecy, explains Jago. “Believing you’re unworthy or that future rejection is inevitable leads to avoidance behaviours, such as withdrawing from social situations or not pursuing new opportunities, reinforcing the fears you have.”
So how do we cope with knockbacks and get back out there? A team of psychologists, behavioural scientists and specialists share their advice on how to manage rejection in every area of life.
Workplace woes
With the worldwide unemployment rate set to increase and UK job vacancies falling, the reality is that more of us are applying for fewer jobs.
Rejection is an inevitable part of the recruitment process, says Louise Campbell, manager of the careers network at University College Dublin Michael Smurfit Graduate School of Business, “so prepare for it.”
Modern recruitment has seen automated systems eliminate any subjective human perspective, overlooking some candidates’ personal skills. This creates a dehumanising environment for jobseekers who have spent hours crafting a covering letter, only to receive a rejection email minutes later. “Stay stoic!” Campbell coaches. The key, she says, is to focus on what is in your control, particularly your response. Each time you get rejected, take care to actively detach your pride from external outcomes. “Change: ‘I failed, I’m not good enough’ to: ‘This isn’t a reflection of my worth or abilities. It’s an opportunity to reassess, strengthen skills, and find a role that aligns better with my values.’
“You are not defined by whether you are offered a specific job,” Campbell says. “It simply means the opportunity was not the right fit at this time. Your value extends beyond any single outcome in the job search process.” Kate Quinn, MBA career consultant at Trinity College Dublin’s business school, agrees: “It is important to avoid the trap of attaching your ego to career opportunities. It compromises our confidence and resilience, ultimately weakening essential coping mechanisms.”
So how best to avoid falling into this trap? “Build a rejection toolkit,” Quinn advises, which could include practising gratitude by reflecting on achievements in your career or personal life. “Support this with mindful activities, journalling and meditation to process challenging emotions.”
External context is also overlooked, she adds. “I have seen candidates experience ghosting after an interview, only to find the role was halted due to a hiring freeze, or filled by an internal employee.” Being aware of these factors can help to mitigate disappointment.
Spurned in love
“When it comes to being rejected in matters of the heart, it’s common to replay the moment: ‘Why wasn’t I enough? What did I do wrong?’,” says Dr Elena Touroni, a consultant psychologist and co-founder of the Chelsea Psychology Clinic. Being dumped, unreciprocated feelings or parting after years of shared life can be devastating. “The truth is rejection is rarely about personal inadequacy. People’s feelings, choices and circumstances are deeply complex, and rejection often reflects those factors rather than you as a person.”
Allow yourself to grieve – it’s OK to feel sad, disappointed, angry. “Lean into those emotions but don’t let them define you.” Therapy, journalling or speaking to trusted friends will help ease the pain, and focusing on personal development and activities that make you happy, adds Touroni.
“For those who have experienced rejection after a long-term relationship or divorce, the journey is more challenging. Time is your ally, healing will come through patience, self-reflection and support. While it can feel impossible at first, life will find ways to move forward – and so will you.”
Reminding yourself you can choose how you respond is central, says psychotherapist and author Eloise Skinner. “Shift your mindset. Rather than seeing ourselves as the recipient of someone else’s decisions, review the situation. Even if things didn’t work out, how can you make new choices? How would you like to act differently in future?” Focus on your values, Skinner adds: “Make a list of your interests and passions, then plan practical steps to move towards those dreams. If your dream is to qualify in a new skill, join a class or buy an introductory book,” she says. In time, life unfurls again and you will move on with a greater sense of self and identity.
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Are the kids all right?
Our inner critic begins to develop at around 10 years old, according to the UK confidence index, compiled by Arden University in Coventry. Building resilience and supporting children and teenagers to manage their self-esteem is crucial to helping them cope with rejection. Avoid minimising statements such as, “You’ll get over it”, says Prof Gail Steptoe-Warren, head of psychology at Arden. Instead, ask kids to share their thoughts without fear of judgment, to help them process their feelings.
Encourage children to talk more openly, says Dr Sophie Ward, deputy head of the psychology school at Arden. “Ask open-ended questions, such as ‘Tell me about your day?’ or ‘How are you feeling?’, and don’t judge or interrupt. It’s important you provide a safe environment to talk. Validating feelings lets youngsters know their emotions are normal, which will aid their mental wellbeing and social development.” Learning to speak to themselves kindly is a tool young people can use to replace unhealthy negative thoughts with positive ones, Ward explains. “Help a child recognise when they use hostile thinking styles, catastrophising or using words like ‘should’ or ‘must’, and change their thinking. Instead of, ‘I lost the race. I failed’, encourage them to think, ‘I may have lost, which is disappointing, but I can learn from it, try again and hopefully do better next time.’”
There will be situations where a child may never achieve something others will, but shielding them from this will not help them build resilience, explains Katia Vlachos, life coach and author of Uncaged: A Good Girl’s Journey to Reinvention. “It’s natural to want to protect kids from more hurt; instead, gently nudge them to take small steps forward, like inviting a friend over, going to another try-out, or joining a new club. Celebrate their efforts, not only outcomes, and remind them: ‘You’re not defined by one moment. Keep going – you’re building something stronger.’”
You can also increase their confidence by reminding them that it is a normal part of life to make mistakes, that it helps them grow. Steptoe-Warren adds: “Motivate your child to write a list of their favourite things about themselves and their achievements, to show them how capable they are when their self-esteem gets knocked or their inner critic gets too loud. Encourage children to push themselves, try new things and take on challenges, even if they feel intimidating. Each success outside their comfort zone will build their confidence.”
Socially snubbed
Ghosting or exclusion from being invited on a night out or a holiday can feel like a bitter betrayal, especially in close friendships. But, says Vlachos, avoid spiralling into assumptions and instead reach out to express your feelings. Try saying something like: “I’ve noticed some distance between us. Is there something I’ve done?” And accept the outcome, adds Vlachos. “Even if silence is the response. If your friend reassures you that nothing’s wrong but then goes on to repeat the same pattern, then maybe it’s time to move on. Sometimes, silence is your closure, and it’s OK to grieve the loss while honouring what the friendship meant to you.”
Shame is the most common response to rejection, says Touroni. It can lead us to believe there is something inherently wrong with us. Shame festers in silence but can be shaken off when shared. Leigh Norén, sex therapist and coach says: “It is important to feel rejection. Just as we can’t get rid of sadness by shouting, or pretending we’re happy, neither can we get rid of shame. Acknowledge it. Notice where you feel it in your body. Label it, then sit with these feelings – you’ll feel them subside naturally.”
When ghosted or excluded, resist the urge to make assumptions or internalise blame. “Instead, focus on what this reveals about the relationship by asking: ‘Is this the kind of friendship I need or want to invest in?’,” says Vlachos. “That way, in future you’re more likely to attract friendships that align with your values.” Rejection isn’t the final chapter; it’s an invitation to rewrite your story with more clarity and strength. As Vlachos says: “Rejection becomes less about loss and more about growth, a catalyst for becoming the truest version of ourselves.”
