My 30-year-old son is getting married. When his mother and I split up in a messy divorce about 20 years ago, she did everything she could to sabotage my relationships, assassinate my character, and make as many people as possible think I was total scum.
It was so horrible I ended up moving to a different part of the country. I do not have good relationships with my siblings, either, many of whom will probably be at the wedding. The situation is that virtually everyone will hate me being there.
It feels like a reprehensible thought, but it is hard to imagine going to the event. At times, I think I must go and really have no choice; then my mind swings in the other direction and I feel there is no way I can subject myself to being in the presence of so many people who despise me. When my son invited me, he did it with a voicemail and said, “If you can get that day off work.”
There are many more details involved, but you get the picture.
I’m sorry that your divorce was so messy and difficult that you felt the only answer was to move to a different part of the country. It’s a shame that you and your ex-wife weren’t offered mediation to help you through it; it’s so self-destructive and short-sighted when divorcing couples feel the need to get involved in character assassination, especially where children are concerned; all a child sees is that 50% of what made them is “bad”.
I don’t know the other details at which you hint, but the facts as you tell them are that you split up with your ex when your son was 10, and that it’s his big day soon.
This is less about what people may or may not think about you, and more about being part of the joy that will be your son’s wedding day. That day is all about him and his partner, not you and your wife and the devastation you both left behind. It won’t be easy but presumably not every single person at the wedding will “despise” you.
You have said nothing about your relationship with your son after the split, only that you moved. It sounds as if you have been living quite far away, so I assume you didn’t see him much. Did you stay in touch? Send cards on his birthday and at Christmas, call him to ask how he was doing (maybe this was difficult, given your ex)? If you did, he will presumably know what sort of father you are and has managed, hopefully, to make his own mind up about you. Although at first it must have seemed that an invitation via voicemail wasn’t ideal, at least he rang to try to speak to you rather than, say, send an email or a text. That might even be better than a fancy, but ultimately impersonal, card invitation; to me, that bodes well.
You also have quite a lot of other information about the wedding: it’s in two parts, you have been invited to the ceremony party and your siblings may be there (so, presumably they did stay in touch with him, which is great). I wonder where you got all these details? Was it from that one message your son left, or from another source? If it all came from your son, then that sounds pretty inclusive to me and as if he hoped to catch you in person.
My advice is to go. Don’t drink, don’t be bitter, don’t get angry. If anyone says anything inflammatory, use my favourite line and make them explain. Reply calmly: “What do you mean by that?” This bats it right back and also buys time for your adrenaline and anger to subside.
Take a supportive (but calming) friend if you can, and be there for your son and his partner. This is a new chapter and perhaps things can start to change. Your son may go on to have children of his own and you wouldn’t want to be estranged from them, would you? Take this opportunity to be sociable, kind, interested, engaged and maybe people will begin to doubt what your ex-wife has said about you. Think about it this way: if you don’t go, nothing changes. It may be seen as a snub and people will fill in the gaps with what they think they know about you, or have been told. If you go to the wedding, you might change that.
Mingle with all these people who you think may despise you. Don’t talk about the past or try to settle scores: a wedding is not the time for that.
Go and be your best self – let people see who you really are.
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence
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