Name: Brexit breeding.
Age: Very much of its time.
Appearance: Varies, but you know it when you see it.
People are having sex because of Brexit? Not people. Animals.
What kind of animals? Okapis, bonobos, zebras … zoo animals, basically.
You mean Brexit is giving captive species the horn? To be fair, a lot of them had horns already.
It’s the end of the world. I knew it. Don’t panic. It’s not an End Times orgy, just an accelerated mating schedule. Shepreth wildlife park in Hertfordshire, for example, has taken early delivery of a red panda, an aardvark, a maned wolf, a pygmy slow loris and a pair of Von der Decken’s hornbills, all for breeding purposes.
Why the big hurry? Because of difficulties surrounding the transport of animals from EU countries in the event of a no-deal Brexit. European zoos may be reluctant to send their animals if normal routes and procedures are disrupted.
What exactly is the issue with transport? If no-deal comes to pass, the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs intends to stop zoo animals entering the country through Kent, in order to avoid massive tailbacks. They will have to go via Harwich in Essex instead, which could mean journey times of 20 hours or longer. Zoo keepers fear this could cause suffering and even put animals at risk.
Should they not have seen this coming? They did. Back in March, before the last no-deal deadline loomed, the European Association of Zoos and Aquaria (EAZA) was advising the hasty shipment of animals to and from Britain. Enclosures were thrown up and furious breeding has been taking place all summer ahead of a possible dry spell.
I’m no zoologist or economist, but can we not just trade our sexy beasts with other countries under WTO rules? EAZA’s breeding populations are spread across 350 zoos across Europe, 40 of which are in the UK. If a no-deal Brexit obliges Britain to leave the programme, it could present a threat to endangered species.
Sounds like more propaganda from Project Fear. True. Already one European zoo has refused to send over an oryx, because they feared they might not get it back.
You know what really threatens endangered species? Pessimism! You’re right: it may never happen. At this rate, the Tories could become extinct first.
Do say: “Send us your horny toads and hot-to-trotgazelles, yearning to get busy.”
Don’t say: “You two: get a room.”
