Betrayal trauma can be an overwhelming experience that can leave deep emotional scars for years, if not a lifetime. Whether it occurs in romantic relationships, friendships or family dynamics, betrayal breaks the foundation of trust that holds relationships together. Repairing trust is the essential first step to healing and overcoming betrayal trauma. This journey requires time, effort, patience, and – most importantly – a commitment to rebuilding what was lost.
Sue* was on the brink of retirement when she first discovered that her husband had been unfaithful. “We had planned to do a big trip to Europe for four months when I turned 65, but that came crashing down when I found emails from another woman,” she told me during our first session.
Sue believed she was in a faithful marriage. Of course, there had been times when things were not easy or perfect, but there was no indication of her husband’s infidelity. There were periods when they were busy and not as close or intimate as before children, parental and financial responsibilities and all that comes with life’s journey, but she felt that at those times they were still loving, honest and respectful.
The discovery of emails from another woman was by accident. She was not looking; there was no need, or so she thought. The sudden knowledge that he was having an affair was devastating.
She told me in that moment she felt her legs become weak and then the anger came. Immediately, she wanted answers. How long had this been going on? Did he love the other woman? Was all she believed her marriage and life to be a lie? Were there others? Was her marriage over? Was everything she thought she had built with him real, true, or was it all founded on lies?
What is betrayal trauma?
Betrayal trauma occurs when someone we trust deeply violates that trust, leaving us emotionally wounded and vulnerable. This kind of trauma can stem from infidelity, deception, financial betrayal or even emotional manipulation. Betrayal strikes at the core of our relationships, where trust is supposed to provide a safe space for vulnerability, honesty, and mutual respect.
When trust is shattered, the emotional impact can be devastating. Betrayal trauma is different from other forms of trauma because it comes from those we expect to care for and protect us, such as a spouse, parent, or close friend. The resulting emotional pain can manifest as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and difficulties forming or maintaining relationships in the future.
For those who have experienced betrayal trauma like Sue, rebuilding trust is essential for healing. Without the restoration of trust, both in others and oneself, the emotional wounds caused by betrayal may continue to fester, leading to further psychological and emotional distress. Healing requires creating a new sense of safety, where vulnerability is possible without the fear of being hurt again.
The first step: acknowledging the betrayal
Before any steps toward healing can be made, both the betrayed and the betrayer must acknowledge the betrayal itself. Denial or minimisation of the betrayal only prolongs the pain. The betrayer needs to take full responsibility for their actions, understanding the gravity of what they’ve done and its impact on the betrayed person.
For Sue, her husband, Steve, owned up to the betrayal immediately after she discovered the emails. “He apologised over and over again, but after 40 years of marriage, I struggled to comprehend how he could do something like that,” recalled Sue.
For the person who has been betrayed, it is important to confront the feelings of anger, hurt, and loss that come with betrayal. This is often the hardest step, as many people try to suppress or ignore their pain in hopes that it will disappear. But acknowledging and confronting the betrayal is the foundation upon which trust can be rebuilt.
How to rebuild trust
It starts with communication: both parties must be willing to have difficult, open and honest conversations about the betrayal and its impact. This involves discussing not only what happened, but also the emotions that arose from it. The betrayer must be transparent, providing the betrayed person with the information and reassurance they need to feel safe. This process may feel uncomfortable and even painful – but it is essential for rebuilding trust.
For the person who broke the trust, consistency is key in rebuilding it. Consistent actions over time show that they are committed to making amends and rebuilding the relationship. Accountability also plays a vital role. The betrayer must be willing to own their mistakes and demonstrate that they are actively working to change their behaviour. This might include setting boundaries, seeking therapy, or making lifestyle changes to prevent future betrayals.
Empathy and understanding
Empathy is critical in the healing process. The person who betrayed the trust must be able to empathise with the emotional pain they have caused. It’s not enough to simply say “I’m sorry” – they must actively work to understand the depth of the betrayed person’s pain and offer emotional support. On the flipside, the betrayed person must also be open to understanding the reasons behind the betrayal, though this does not excuse the behaviour.
Setting boundaries
After a betrayal, setting clear boundaries is important for both parties. Boundaries provide a sense of security and control, allowing the betrayed person to feel safe as trust is rebuilt. These boundaries could include transparency around certain behaviours, increased communication, or limits on certain actions. Boundaries give the betrayed person the space they need to heal while ensuring that both parties are clear about what is and isn’t acceptable going forward.
Seeking professional help
For many people, repairing trust after a betrayal is too difficult to navigate without professional help. Therapy can play a crucial role in the healing process, offering a safe space to explore emotions, rebuild trust, and develop coping mechanisms. For the betrayed person, individual therapy can help address the emotional impact of the betrayal, including feelings of worthlessness, anger, and depression. For couples or family members, therapy can provide a structured environment where both parties can communicate openly, learn to set boundaries, and begin rebuilding trust.
Initially therapeutic intervention will allow space for each person to delve into their individual past trauma, to unpack their respective attachment wounds – the impact of which has often been unknown to them – and support them to join a support group or take time out for reflection.
Sue became aware of how little she now trusted herself. “How did I not see it?” she often would say in therapy. It was necessary for Sue to allow herself time to rebuild trust in herself, understanding that others had been on this journey and had worked their way through it.
Trained therapists who are well versed in relationship betrayal and therapeutic disclosure will work with the couple during disclosure. First the partner and the betrayed partner will have their own trained therapist and throughout the disclosure, both therapists and the two partners will work through the process together.
While betrayal trauma can feel overwhelming, it is possible to rebuild trust and heal. The process is not linear, and there will likely be setbacks along the way, but with time and effort, both parties can work toward creating a healthier, more trusting relationship.
*Name has been changed for privacy. Sue’s story is an amalgam of several cases
