My son is two years old. He has recently started bullying (hitting and pushing) children his age. This was shortly after I moved abroad to work while he stayed with my wife, his mother. He attends a nursery and other family gatherings, so is not isolated socially in interacting with other people. I keep almost daily video contact with him for a few minutes (as a child, he can’t stand in front of a device for long). He knows me, calls me and interacts with me. I have 10 days’ leave every six to eight weeks which I plan to use to stay with my family, including my son. Do you have any advice for me and my wife on how to treat our son, and make him feel and act better?
I’m really pleased you have made the connection between how your son feels and how he acts – many parents don’t. I consulted Katy Dearnley, a consultant child psychotherapist who specialises in children under five. Each of us wondered about the chronology: did your departure and your son’s starting nursery coincide? “If so,” Dearnley said, “this would be a double separation for your son to deal with.” On its own, your leaving is a big event for him to cope with.
He’s also two years old, the age at which children learn that they are separate entities from their parents (an essential stage of development). This can trigger certain behaviours. “It can arouse very strong concerns about being left out,” Dearnley said. “This can be why toddlers who previously went to bed with no issues suddenly want to stay up.”
How was your departure handled? Sometimes parents slip away without an explanation, fearing a painful goodbye, or believing their children are too young to understand. “Never disappear without saying goodbye, no matter how upset he may be,” Dearnley said. “Coming to terms with the feelings that separation can cause is an essential part of growing up. Your son needs to be prepared not only for your departures, but also for when you come back. Children often believe that events are caused by something they have done, and your son will need to be reassured that your departure is nothing to do with him, and it’s not because he’s done anything wrong.” Remember: children think the world revolves around them and therefore that they can make bad things happen.
Dearnley also wanted to know more about the hitting and pushing: when it happens and if it only happens at nursery. If it’s unprovoked, this would suggest some anxiety or distress in your son. “Two-year-olds are very instinctive and unprocessed in the way they act,” Dearnley said. “They tend to do things to show how they feel.”
How is your wife coping with you being away? Does she have support? You need to look at what’s happening in your son’s life as a whole, not only what’s happening at nursery.
“You both need to explain to your son that it’s OK to be upset and angry, but it’s not OK to hit and push other children,” Dearnley said. And you need to repeat this (in fact, you need to say everything many times to a two-year-old before they start to take it in). Try asking him why he does it – even if he doesn’t or can’t answer, it may start a thought process.
If your son is perhaps reluctant to talk to you on video when you are away it may be because it’s a reminder of your absence, Dearnley said. This doesn’t mean you should discontinue these video calls, but perhaps speak to him on the phone instead or send letters that your wife can read with him when he wants to. And in case you take these things too personally, try not to. Children, says Dearnley, can be “very rejecting when parents have been away, and quite cross”.
Young children can struggle with the concept of time, so a countdown calendar marking the number of days until your return could be effective for your son: even just a piece of paper with squares that can be crossed out each day, a basic timeline. Such simple activities can give children a sense of control: “Let’s see how many more sleeps until Daddy comes home.”
Does your son know where you are in the world in relation to him? He may not understand why you can’t just come home every night. Looking at a map would be an interesting exercise. Gentle, persistent explanation will help. As he gets older, this will become easier for all of you.
Finally, how are you coping with the separation?
