My son’s made loads of friends at his new school – why can’t I?

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on how to make friends at the school gates and unfair expectations when it comes to caring for an elderly parent.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.

I’m really struggling to make mum-friends at my son’s school. He’s just switched primary schools as we’ve moved to a new area. While he’s settled in well, I haven’t so much and am desperate to find some mates but so far I’ve struggled at the school gates. Everyone seems settled into their friendships already.  

Oh, this is TOUGH. I don’t really have many mum friends either and it’s felt like big ‘first day of school’ energy trying to make them. As playdates and birthday parties and nativity plays start rolling around, I have no doubt that you’ll start to find your feet within the community, but I think until then it might be a case of channelling your son’s confidence with his new peers and seeing if you can emulate it. 

Most people are good people, and so many mums crave the company of others. I am SO sure you aren’t the only one feeling like this (even though it can often feel as if you are), and so as much as it feels like you are being thrown back into the school environment yourself, and the popular mums might be about to raid your lunchbox and pull your hair, I am hopeful that if you were to approach any of the mums at the gate, and strike up a conversation – ‘nice shoes’, ‘bad weather’, ‘aw isn’t your son adorable’, type thing – you’d be met with warmth. 

And while your first attempt might not land you with a BFF, if you open yourself up to enough possibilities, whether that be just at the school gates or maybe at local kids’ classes or meetups, your people will find you. 

It’s such a daunting thing; it’s something I really relate to and so I don’t want to undermine how you’re feeling, I just want to remind you that everyone was where you are once, and no one is ever as sure of themselves or confident as we think they are. 

You’ve every right to be there and to put yourself out there. I think a big smile goes a long way and I hope that it pays off for you really really soon.  

I don’t want to have to take this on alone and I’m feeling quite a lot of feminist rage that, as the only daughter, it seems to be falling to me. My husband says I shouldn’t lift a finger until my brothers do, but with my mum’s wellbeing at stake, it’s not a gamble I’m willing to risk. What should I do? 

I am SO sorry for you and frustrated on your behalf and I absolutely hear you on the feminist rage. 

As *baity* as I may be accused of being by a couple of men for whom this doesn’t apply in the comments, I’ll validate what you’re saying entirely. This is a story as old as time; caring responsibilities very often fall to the daughter, since the foundations of the patriarchy dictate that women are the nurturers within the family. 

In telling us, for example, that girls mature faster than boys do, we craft the dynamic in such a way that it’s almost inevitable that your brothers feel that you are somehow better equipped to deal with your mum’s needs now than they are.  

Which you are, by the way – not because of your gender, but, by the sounds of it, because of your empathy and your kindness. 

It must be very disappointing to know that you and they are looking at the same thing and having totally different responses, but I think with that in mind the first thing you need to do is make peace with who your brothers are. 

Resentment is like taking a poison and expecting the other person to die. Ultimately, your anger at them is hurting you the most and that is not what you need right now. So, while I’m not saying you need to accept their inaction, I think you do need to accept their shortcomings and stop expecting anything more from them emotionally. That will, invariably, just lead to disappointment.  

I hear what your husband is saying, and I wish I could agree with him that putting down these responsibilities would force your brothers to pick them up, but it’s a game of chicken that you’re right not to want to play. 

And I’m sorry because that does mean that you’re going to need to keep pushing forwards here.

If it were me, I think I’d lean into the matriarchal role I was being forced into and get *incredibly* bossy with them. I’d make it very personal, in the way that only siblings can, and I’d tell them they were lazy and selfish, that they were disappointing me and my mum. 

I’d tell them that they have a responsibility to the woman that raised them to step up right now and I’d tell them that I point blank refuse to handle this on my own anymore (even though, unfortunately, if it came to it, I would). 

I’d give them a schedule, a roster, a list of things they need to do and tell them in no uncertain terms that they are going to do what you’re telling them. And then I’d suggest you book yourself a day off to go and scream in the woods somewhere, have a massage and drink a load of wine before maybe booking an appointment with a therapist to help you through this really tough time, which you’re handling brilliantly, by the way. 

I’m sorry for you that the burden is so heavy, and while I like to hope that we are never given more than we can carry, it is OK to be exhausted. I hope, at the very least, you’ve got someone to hold your hand through all of this.  

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

MORE : My daughter watched a video on Instagram – and then she was gone

MORE : Terrifying cache of weapons baby-faced boy, 11, amassed ‘for school shooting’

MORE : Five-year-old girl smashes her way out of school van after being left inside

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.