The dilemma I’m 21 and have been with my partner for three years. We moved in together last summer, but since then I’ve been having doubts about our relationship. We both work full-time, and sometimes it’s a struggle to make ends meet – particularly for my partner. I’m having to overcompensate financially, which is making it harder to save money, go out with my friends or go on holidays.
We don’t do much together, which isn’t necessarily down to limited money. We spend our weekends watching TV and I’m tired of suggesting things to do and being met with an unenthusiastic response. I don’t feel like a normal 21-year-old and feel I should be having more fun. I’m not sure if I love him any more, but I’m afraid to break up with him in case it’s a mistake. I also don’t know if he’ll be OK without me. He says he loves me and wants to get married later in life, but I’m not sure if he truly does. At the same time, I recently met a man at work. He’s 40 and unhappily (I think) married with a wife and young child. We kissed at a work event and since then, he’s been giving me lots of attention. I know this is wrong for both parties, but I crave his next message. I haven’t felt excited like this with my partner in a long time. I’ve got no idea what to do.
Mariella replies Luckily, in this instance, I do! It’s amazing how predatory men, so lacking in intuition in areas like self-awareness, morality and empathy, manage nevertheless to sensitively identify the most emotionally vulnerable person in their vicinity and to zoom in on them. The unhappily married can seem to be entirely ubiquitous, particularly at work events where many of them are waiting to slip out from behind their desks to tell you their sob story before pouncing.
As I said before, and I’ll repeat until my dying breath, if someone is unhappily married, the answer is to focus their attention on what’s causing their problems and to attempt to resolve them or take time out to consider them, not to seek diversion elsewhere by taking advantage of their victims’ naivety and trust.
This man at work, almost double your age, but far less evolved emotionally than the decades under his belt might suggest, is using you as a distraction from his problems and you can neither believe his compliments nor rely on his family narrative. That his messages are exciting to you is no surprise, but they are certainly no gauge of the importance of your connection either.
There’s nothing like an illicit liaison to get our adrenaline levels up and boost our self-esteem, and you are both likely to be culpable in terms of needing to have your worth confirmed as a result of your unsatisfactory relationships. Why his marriage isn’t working is of no interest to me and you offer no details, but frankly it’s irrelevant. There’s barely a union out there that doesn’t lose its gloss after a few years and a young child. Those that try to stick it out and accept that there will be highs and lows are of far more interest and integrity than those who slither into the arms of an easy conquest the minute the going gets tough.
What I am glad about is that his attention to you offers confirmation of something that really is of value to you. That there is a big wide world out there full of infinite possibility and if you’re already feeling overly tied down and relied upon by your partner at the age of 21, you seriously need to consider your options.
Staying together in case “it’s a mistake to split up”, or worse still because you feel responsible for him, are absolutely not the criteria you should be using to make your choice. There’s no right and wrong way to be any age so long as you are feeling fulfilled and inspired, or at the very least content. It sounds to me like you are locked in a state of compromise fuelled only by your youthful fear that anything you decide now is finite. You are at the very beginning of your life, in work and in relationships, and it’s certainly not the time to settle for second best or someone else’s part-time attention.
Neither of the men you’re currently involved with seem to have what you should be looking for in order to make any commitment. I’ve already outlined my reasons for not encouraging an affair with this aged colleague. I’d even go so far as to say he is abusing his position of power by hitting on you, unless by some happy miracle you are his boss.
Now I’m afraid I have to sound equally disparaging about your sit-on-the-sofa, TV-loving boyfriend. You’re right, there’s a world of promise and opportunity out there and you sound like you have all the skills to make tracks in it. What you seem to lack is the confidence to take that first step on to a different path and toward the lifestyle you have aspirations for. You’ve got a job and a good head between your shoulders; you’re already doing so much better than many of your generation. Count your lucky stars as you reach for them, instead of settling in for another night of small-screen entertainment.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
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