My partner and I have been in a loving and happy relationship for seven years. During the past two years three of our parents have either died or been diagnosed with a terminal illness. We remain close but physical contact has become less frequent and meaningful. I find sex a cathartic way to deal with the stresses we have faced, and a way to demonstrate our closeness, but he has understandably become reluctant to be intimate. I feel our need for sex has a different purpose and miss our shared understanding of what closeness means for us.
Grief certainly can negatively affect a person’s sexual response and many people find that recovery can take quite some time. Occasionally, bereavement develops into depression, which in itself can shut down sexual interest or functioning. It is unfortunate that you and your partner are having different sexual reactions as you work through loss and try to heal, but recognise that you are simply experiencing different sexual responses to grief and, if possible, share those feelings with each other to feel more heard. Grief counselling could be very helpful. Your bereavement is relatively new, but if healing does not appear to be progressing it will be essential to seek help. At any point in a relationship it is extremely common for sex to hold different meanings for each partner. Take heart – it is reasonable to maintain hope that there will eventually be healing and a resolution of your current sexual issues.
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If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
