The dilemma One of my best friends from my teenage years was recently incarcerated for having sexual relations with someone under the legal age. I am angry and upset with my friend, as he has not taken responsibility for his actions, denied wrongdoing and made excuses ever since, such as he thought the person in question was older and he was lied to. That he was aware has been proven. I didn’t know what he had done until he was arrested, nor did I know what he was up to, but I feel I should have. While it is irrational, a part of me feels regret, or guilt, for not stopping him or the act, and I feel awful for the victim, as though it is my fault. Many of our friends and his family have cut him off. However, I feel the need to be loyal, as he supported me through the break up of a relationship, my father passing away and severe depression. This has brought me under scrutiny from friends and family for remaining friends with someone who commits such acts. I feel so torn and I don’t know what to think or do.
Mariella replies Your friend committed a crime, justice has been served and he is now in jail paying the price for his actions. Whether you choose to cut him out of your life or attempt to come to terms with what he has done out of respect for his mitigating qualities as a friend is entirely up to you. I’m sure if I was the parent of his underage victim, I’d struggle to see the bigger picture, but as I’m not I can try and address your dilemma with the clarity of the unaffected.
Encouraging your friend to personally face up to what he’s done, take responsibility for his actions and attempt to atone seems potentially more constructive than banishing him to an isolated wilderness where redemption becomes far more problematic. Abandoning him serves little purpose other than to compound his removal from civilised society. You’d be absolutely within your rights to judge him and walk away, but it’s certainly not compulsory, or something others should censure you for eschewing. It’s hard for any of us to stand in judgment unless you believe that no human being is capable of redemption and anyone who transgresses is actually a monster. That’s a tough stance to take, especially if you’re at the receiving end of my mailbag.
What I’ve learned over the past two decades is how surprising the lives of others can be, how too often damage becomes heritable and people go on to inflict the same pain on others as they had inflicted on them. It’s starting to make me look at religion in a far more positive light. Not because I’m a born-again, but the whole “turn the other cheek, let those who cast the first stone, love thy neighbour as thyself” philosophy seems to contain immeasurable wisdom in these morally hysterical times.
Mercy and compassion are in short supply and it takes a degree of courage to go against the prevailing tides. With grey areas abolished in our polarised society, bravery can involve simply standing your personal ground. How blindly we’re rushing towards eroding freedom of speech as self-righteousness takes over from all the other better qualities human beings should pride themselves on: empathy, understanding and a willingness to see the world through someone else’s eyes. We pay lip service to the massive changes occurring for the benefit of mankind, when what seems to be on the rise is the very intolerance we’re trying to legislate against. As I’ve said, I’m not unaware of my own foibles and I’m sure my feelings would be far less reasoned were it my child who your friend had taken advantage of, but the challenge is to retain our belief system not because it’s propped up by what we witness around us but despite it.
The justice system is our tool for punishment, not social media or its cousin “the will of the people” and that’s a fact we all need reminding of on a regular basis. As individuals we are required to use personal discretion, empathy and compassion as guiding ideals in how we treat our fellow humans. Shrieking “stone them” from the side-lines every time somebody fails to conform to our ideals is what’s truly uncivilised. I’d far rather understand where those I disagree with are coming from then banish them from my sight and listen to my own voice droning on in righteous indignation.
Your guilt is misplaced. Hiding who one really is, is a dark art that we are all adept in. So much more so for someone whose instincts and desires are socially unacceptable or more dangerously propel them into criminal behaviour. Your friend could probably do with someone to remind him that accepting his fate and developing remorse are the building blocks for a new life. By banishing him from your life you may be removing a thorn, but possibly leaving the wound to fester. If that can be avoided, the world benefits. It’s a conundrum that none of us would want to face and that requires you to follow your instincts, but judging from your letter you’ve got all the tools you’ll need to make an informed and intelligent choice.
If you have been affected by any of the issues in this article, contact the Survivors Trust or the Samaritans
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1
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