My ex and I split up four years ago. We have a seven-year-old daughter. After the initial pain, the separation became really positive. We promised we would always be a family and, even when we both met new partners, we remained friends and, at first, close confidantes.
But a year ago, all that changed. My new partner was respectful of the positive relationship I had with my ex and the fact that we had family time once a week with our daughter. My ex’s new partner, conversely, made it clear she did not want to be part of such an extended family.
My ex and his new partner are now getting married. They have also just moved in together and, despite the fact that he still comes over to my place (our old apartment) almost every day, I am not allowed in their new home. This is a source of pain to me, simply because our daughter doesn’t understand why.
They have also made our daughter “master of ceremonies” at their wedding and put her in charge of the guest list. She has, naturally, put me and my partner at the top – even though I have been told by my ex that, of course, we’re not really invited and that we’ll have to think of an excuse as to why we can’t come.
So far, I have been happy to play along with the half truths because, ultimately, all I want is for our daughter not to have her heart ripped out (as mine was when my parents separated). However, the strain of constantly thinking up excuses is taking its toll. How much truth can a seven-year-old take?
Your much longer letter made me wonder if you weren’t still emotionally tied to your ex. I think the arrival of his new partner may have made you realise that things aren’t as separate as you may think. Even you mentioning that you encouraged his relationship (with his fiancee) hints at a level of overinvolvement.
However, the important factor here is your daughter and what you tell her. Whenever I’m dealing with children, I ask myself, “Whose agenda is it, mine or theirs?” In other words, is it something that will help them or me? It doesn’t mean you can’t ever have your own agenda, but it helps to clarify who you are doing it for, because I wonder if you are conflating your feelings with those of your child.
I consulted psychotherapist Joanna North (bacp.co.uk) who has extensive experience working with extended families. She felt that your own experience of your parents’ breakup may have meant that, at all costs, you are trying to protect your child from the same pain you suffered. That is admirable, but in so doing you haven’t established enough boundaries (around you and your ex) and some of your expectations haven’t been realistic.
Your ex is also being reckless. North wondered at the wisdom of putting a seven-year-old in charge of the guest list, and I agree. A charming sentiment, but in reality did he not think she would put you and your new partner top of the list?
North explained that it is absolutely your and her father’s responsibility to tell your daughter things in a way that’s “appropriate for a seven-year-old”. You may have to “moderate the truth and not treat her as if she’s an adult – that’s the big psychological issue here,” she said. In your original letter, you suggested various things to tell your daughter, from the overly positive to the barbed; North counselled against “setting up a conflict in your daughter’s mind… you do not have the right to cast doubt about their other parent and it is the wrong thing to do.”
She suggested you both sit her down and, in age-appropriate language, say something neutral about why you’re not attending the wedding: for example, “It’s not usual to attend the wedding of your ex when they marry new people.” When talking about the fiancee, it’s permissible to say you don’t know her, but that “you want to be respectful and that you don’t visit because her home is private”.
It does sound as if your way of doing things and your ex’s new partner’s are very different. And, while it may not be to your liking, as long as she treats your daughter well, there’s not much you can do about it. In time, things may change; but for now, it sounds as if she’s drawing up her own boundaries.
• Send your problem to annalisa.barbieri@mac.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure the discussion remains on the topics raised by the article. Please be aware that there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
