Age may be ‘just a number’, but a significant gap can be a problem when dating.
Even if the couple themselves are perfectly happy, they often have to deal with outside judgements – something this week’s reader knows only too well.
Her new relationship, with a much younger man, has given her a new lease of life. However, it’s also caused friction between her ex-husband, who says she’s a ‘pervert’ and is planning to report her to social services.
Before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, from a man who had an affair with his brother’s wife and thinks he may actually be his nephew’s father.
The problem…
My ex-husband is threatening to have our children taken away, because I’m having an affair with a teenager half my age. He says there’s something wrong with me and I’m a pervert, even though my boyfriend is 19 and quite sensible enough to know his own mind.
I’m not stupid, I’m 40 in a couple of years so I know this relationship probably won’t last. But for now, it’s just what I need, as my toyboy is sweet and funny, as well as being great in bed. My ex was a selfish lover who just made sure he had a good time, before turning over and falling asleep. He never once cared if the sex was good for me (it never was) and most of the time I was glad when it was all over.
Sex with my boyfriend is nothing like that. He’s a considerate lover and always wants me to enjoy it as much as him. I honestly never knew that love-making could be so good, as the ex was my one and only, so I had nothing to compare him with. Now I don’t know why I put up with the drunken lout for so long.
My friends are happy for me, though everyone warns me not to get too involved. My children, aged five and seven, have met my lover a few times but just think he’s ‘mummy’s friend’.
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Do you think I’m sick? I’m so worried that my children might be taken from me, if my ex convinces social workers that I’m an unfit mother.
The advice…
No, I don’t think you’re sick or perverted, and there’s nothing wrong with seeing a consenting adult of any age. But I’m with your friends; try not to get too involved, at least in the short term.
You sound as if you have your feet on the ground, but although you might think you’re prepared for your toyboy to grow out of you, when it actually happens you may be devastated. He’ll change a lot as he gets older, so until you’re convinced that this affair will last, remind yourself constantly that it might not be forever.
As long as you put your children first, there’s no reason why they should be taken away from you and given to your ex, especially if he is a ‘drunken lout’. Their welfare will always be the top priority when custody decisions are made, and if they have a stable, loving home that meets their emotional and physical needs, you shouldn’t have anything to worry about.
If this relationship does become serious, I’d advise against letting your boyfriend move in for a while. Remember he’ll have to cope with the responsibilities of family life, something he may not be able to manage at his age, and you don’t want any disruption at home.
If your love is strong enough, it will survive living separately for another year or two. Take one day at a time, and don’t rush into anything hasty.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist. Got a sex and dating dilemma?
To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk
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