Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.
This week, she’s giving out sound advice on what to do when your teen falls in with the wrong crowd, and how to handle your partner’s obnoxious friends.
Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s advice.
My tween has just gone back for her second year of secondary school and I’m nervous about her friendship group, which started forming at the end of last year.
She’s fallen in with some of the more ‘popular’ girls and she’s gone from being quite a sweet, introverted child, to an eye-rolling 12-year-old ‘mean girl’ who now laughs at the expense of other less popular students.
My husband and I didn’t raise her this way and it’s hurting us to see her act like this. I know some of it might be down to puberty, but I really think it’s the bad influence of these girls she’s surrounded herself with. When I’ve met them, I’ve honestly felt like I might be bullied – and I’m in my 40s!
I feel like banning her from spending time with them will only drive her further into their influence, but I don’t know what else to do.
I imagine this is one of the hardest parts of motherhood, as I’m sure I was an absolute *horror* for my mum to deal with when I was at the age your daughter is now.
I don’t envy the situation you’re facing in the slightest and I wish I had an answer for you. Alas, teenage girls are an enigma and so instead I think this might be a case of trying a few different tacks, and mustering as much patience as you can manage while you try to crack her.
Want to ask Em Clarkson a question?
Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.
Well, sort of.
As Metro’s agony aunt the influencer, author and content creator (busy much?) is primed and ready to be a sympathetic ear, an oracle of wisdom or, quite simply, a stand-in for that girl in the nightclub bathroom you share your thoughts and dreams with while waiting in line.
While she stresses she’s no alternative for therapy, Em is keen to talk through any quandary.
With over 300,000 followers on Instagram and a reputation as one of the more honest influencers out there, Em is often asked for advice in her DMs. Now, she wants to do the same in Metro, as our columnist.
No topic is off limits. So if you’ve a question for her agony aunt series, email askem@metro.co.uk.
I think in the short term, I’d endeavour have a conversation from a place of love and concern, rather than anger. No one wants to be told that they’re hurting someone, or that they’re behaving in a way that is disappointing someone that they love. That is the message you need to convey, but without blaming her new friends outright, for the risk is that, as you say, that will push her closer to them.
Maybe take her to do something just the two of you and talk about those less popular students she’s being unkind to, tell her stories of your own time at school or maybe times in your life in which you felt picked on by other people and how that made you feel.
Explain to her the effect that bullying or belittling can have and help to humanise those she’s hurting. And if it were me, I think I’d probably pull out the classic, ‘I’m not angry, I’m disappointed’ line on her.
Longer term I think it’s important to consider that she is (as so many of us were as teenagers) feeling insecure within herself and it is perhaps the easiest course of action for her to cling to the cool girls and behave in whatever way she needs to in order to feel accepted.
With that in mind, don’t tell her to cut herself off, or that she needs to drastically alter how she behaves, else you run the risk of panicking her and furthering the insecurity and worsening the problem.
Instead, continue to empower her to feel good and confident within herself, so that she becomes sure of who she is and is able to behave more authentically.
We know that hurt people hurt people, and being a teenager does just HURT, so you and your husband need to keep doing what you’re doing to create a warm and safe and kind environment for her to grow in, in the hope that as she finds herself, her big heart can shine through.
You sound like a great mum, and I have no doubt you’ll get through this together. Wishing you luck and patience! xx
I’ve started going out with someone great, and so I was excitedly nervous when he introduced me to his friends a couple of months ago. After the first meeting, I wasn’t entirely keen but I kept my thoughts to myself and thought I should give them another chance. But it turns out, I just really, really dislike my new boyfriend’s friends.
They’re elitist, crass, and really not afraid of sharing their own – sometimes offensive – opinions loudly. They drink like fishes, splash the cash, and at 30, still think drinking games are fun. They’re just not my kind of people.
I’ve tentatively expressed to my boyfriend (who is so different from them, it’s unbelievable) that his friends certainly aren’t shy, and he’s said that they might be uncouth, but they’re his oldest friends and that he loves them. I would never suggest he stops seeing them, but is there a way for me to say I don’t want to see them, that won’t automatically end our relationship?
I understand why his friends are a turn-off, not least of all because people do tend to be an amalgamation of the people they spend the most time with. And at a time when our politics divide us perhaps more than they ever have, it is hard to rationalise how people we like and respect can in turn, like and respect others with such wildly different world views to our own.
But it happens, and some people just have rubbish friends. Now I won’t pretend it’s ideal that you don’t like them, but I also don’t think it has to be a dealbreaker either.
I don’t think you need to make some huge declaration, forcing him to choose between the two of you, I think you can just say something along the lines of: ‘honestly these nights out with your friends are really just not a vibe for me, I feel like we’re really different people and I don’t love the atmosphere so I’ll give these boozy occasions a miss and maybe catch them for a Sunday lunch sometime or something.’
While your boyfriend may be hurt and initially defensive, the fact that he has described them as uncouth, probably means he knows full well who these people really are, and this won’t come as a massive surprise.
Ask Em Clarkson: Your questions answered
Take stock in the fact that your boyfriend chose you to be in his life and has put effort into getting to know you and show you who he really is. The relationship he is in with his friends, by contrast, is more passive, a familiar and comfortable environment he’s grown in and with.
His choice in you is a better reflection of who he is right now than the friends who’ve come with him through the eras. So it’s inconvenient and long term might throw up some tricky conversations about morality, group holidays, wedding invites, seating plans and godparents.
But for right now I think you can dance around the issue in a way that shouldn’t alter the course of your relationship too drastically, and I wish you luck!!
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