Name: I love you.
Age: As old as humanity itself.
Appearance: Male and hasty.
I love you. Finally! It’s only taken us 30-odd years for you to say it.
Is that not normal? Not at all. In fact, if you’re a man in a heterosexual relationship, it usually takes significantly less time.
How much less time? Well, according to new research carried out by the Humboldt University of Berlin, men are far more likely to say “I love you” before women. A study in 2011 said that men think about saying it 42 days before women do. What’s more, men are likely to take break-ups worse.
Aw, romantic. Indeed, that’s how this research has been received in the press. Men are all secret romantics.
Well, who could argue with that? I’d like to, please.
Pardon? I’d very much much like to argue that, please. Why do you think that women are so much slower to say “I love you”?
Because they’re less romantic? Possibly. Or maybe it’s because societal expectations mean that a declaration of love will be followed by a pregnancy at some point. Given that it may result in a person being grown in your body for nine months, usually to the detriment of your career and financial independence, it may require a little more thought for women than when a man says it.
Christ, alright. And while we’re on the subject, why do you think that men take break-ups worse than women?
Because they fall in love harder? No, it’s because they’re traditionally raised to be unable to look after themselves, as they’re passed seamlessly from mother to wife, so it’s scary when they suddenly find themselves alone. Meanwhile, maybe women are happier after a relationship ends because being single significantly reduces their workload?
Well, I mean … And another reason men are unhappy after break-ups is because they’re bad at making friends, which means their partner becomes their entire world, which is a hell of a burden to take on. Iris V Wahring, the lead author of the research, said this herself. If men could find independent emotional support outside relationships, they’d be able to cope better. But oh no, it’s all on women, isn’t it? Just like everything else.
So the takeaway isn’t that men are romantic, then? Well, that may be true, but it’s probably more the case that when a man says “I love you”, he’s gaining someone who will wash his pants for him.
Right. So when I said “I love you” just now … I’m wise to your game. Try again in another 30 years, and then I’ll give it some thought.
Do say: “I love you.”
Don’t say: “Now cook my dinner.”
