In relationships, have we placed too much importance on attachment styles?

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Stay ahead of the curve with our weekly guide to the latest trends, fashion, relationships and more

Stay ahead of the curve with our weekly guide to the latest trends, fashion, relationships and more

Wouldn’t it be nice if relationships were simple? Imagine. We could just look at someone and immediately slap a label on them that would give us insight into their character, communication style, and the extent of their childhood trauma. On top of this, we’d be able to predict how a relationship with that person would pan out: the things we’d agree on, the ways we’d align, and all the ways we would not. It’s an appealing prospect. And it’s one that’s at the root of our obsession with attachment theory.

The concept first came to prominence in 2010 courtesy of the bestselling book, Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? How the science of adult attachment can help you find – and keep – love, written by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. But it took a few economic crises, some serious political disasters, and a fatal pandemic that saw millions locked in their homes for several months to convince us we needed this guidance in matters of the heart. During Covid, the book shot back up the bestseller list and has lingered there ever since.

Now, attachment theory is a heavily saturated TikTok trend, where it’s regularly discussed, analysed, and scrutinised in videos that garner millions of views. As the discourse has increased, so has the scepticism. While interesting and somewhat helpful, Attached has been criticised for its litany of strange arguments, from calling co-dependency – the harmful root of addictions and a very real result of trauma – a myth, to advising people to avoid those with avoidant tendencies entirely. Some members of the psychological community have warned we’re relying too heavily on attachment types, diagnosing people as avoidants or anxious attachers based on exceedingly little information, such as their texting style or what they’ve put on their Hinge profile. The trouble is that nowadays, the evidence doesn’t really matter. Because once we’ve prescribed someone with a label, we’re off: catastrophising, spiralling, and overanalysing, often at the expense of ourselves and whoever we happen to be dating.

But let’s go back a little: what actually are attachment styles? And how are they influencing the way we understand and behave in relationships? “Shaped by childhood experiences and past connections, attachment theory helps us recognise our emotional patterns, strengths, and challenges when it comes to intimacy, trust, and communication,” explains Paul Brunson, Tinder’s global relationship insight expert. “Conversations around attachment styles have brought a huge shift in how we approach dating, bringing self-awareness and emotional intelligence to the forefront.”

There are four different attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised. “Secure means being comfortable with intimacy and independence, trusting others, having good communication skills and the ability to navigate conflicts without fear of abandonment,” explains dating coach Sophie Personne. Anxious attachers are defined as “craving closeness but fearing rejection at the same time”, adds Personne. They’re likely to be in need of constant reassurance and highly sensitive to changes in a partner’s behaviour. Avoidants are hyper-independent and feel uncomfortable with intimacy; they may also suppress emotions and keep people at arm’s length. And disorganised attachers tend to carry a mix of both anxious and avoidant traits, exhibiting a desire and fear of intimacy that, according to Personne, can lead to unpredictable relationship behaviours.

If you believe what you read on TikTok, the idea is that each of us falls into one of these categories, depending on how much our parents screwed us up. Anxious people might’ve grown up in a broken home and subsequently feel drawn to people who, like their parents, make them feel abandoned. So they cling on a little tighter in order to redress the balance that was set for them as children. Avoidants can come from homes where one parent made them feel smothered or pressured, hence a fear of intimacy that will continue to plague them and their partners for their entire adult lives. And as for secure people, well, they are the unicorns of the dating world, existing exclusively in dreams and tomes on romantic mythology.

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While it can obviously be helpful to think about our behaviour according to attachment theory, it’s important not to get caught up with the binary definitions we see all over social media. Yes, someone who doesn’t reply to your texts might be avoidant. They also might be busy. And sure, the person asking you to make a little effort might be anxious. But you also might not be making much of an effort. It’s not hard to see how this could lead you into muddy waters.

“I’ve noticed a troubling trend in how we discuss attachment styles,” says psychologist Barbara Santini. “While the theory offers a valuable framework for understanding relationship dynamics, we’ve morphed it into a rigid system of categorisation, almost like astrological signs for relationships.” This approach is doing us more harm than good, encouraging us to quickly label ourselves and others while negating the fundamental fluidity that makes us all human.

“I’ve seen clients prematurely end promising relationships because they’ve decided someone they’ve classed as ‘avoidant’, failing to recognise that behaviours can shift depending on context and emotional state,” adds Santini. “A bad day doesn’t necessarily signify a deeply ingrained attachment style.” Taken too far, this way of thinking can create lasting pain in current and future relationships. “From a trauma perspective, these labels can also be weaponised,” says Chris Meaden, a leading trauma expert who runs The Meaden Clinic in Tunbridge Wells. “I’ve seen partners use attachment styles to blame or shame. For example, saying things like, ‘You’re so anxious, stop being needy,’ or ‘You’re just avoidant, you don’t care.’ This isn’t helpful. Instead, we should be asking: What created this response in you? How can we help your nervous system feel safe in relationships? That’s the real work.”

Social media is not exactly known for nuance, which is why it’s not surprising that the attachment styles have also become increasingly gendered. You’re far more likely to see people talking about avoidant men than avoidant women, just as you’ll struggle to find videos about anxiously attached men and avoidant women. It’s subtle messaging that feeds into archaic stereotypes surrounding heterosexuality: women are desperate to be loved so they can find someone to have children with, whereas men are terrified of commitment and want to avoid the trap of “settling down” for as long as possible. “It’s a simplification that also carries a kernel of truth,” says Santini. “Societal pressures can shape emotional expression. Women, often encouraged to nurture, might internalise relational stress as anxiety. On the other hand, men pushed toward stoicism might default to avoidance.” But the clinical reality is more complex than this. “I’ve worked with anxious men and avoidant women and determined that while these labels seem helpful, they can obscure the individual’s unique emotional experience.”

Of course, our attachment style can – and probably will – also change. You might have seen people online say things like “I thought I was anxiously attached but I was just with someone treating me badly.” If you do identify with one of these labels, it’s far from the death sentence we’ve been made to think it is. “Attachment styles are plastic and dynamic, not static,” confirms Dr Venetia Leonidaki, clinical psychologist at Spiral Psychology. “They develop and evolve over time. If a couple manages to overcome attachment struggles and develop a relationship of mutual respect and trust, then their relationship itself may help each partner grow a more secure attachment style.” In other words: don’t believe all the TikTok videos telling you that anxious people can never have successful relationships with avoidant ones. They can and do; in some cases, it might even be the thing they need to develop a more secure attachment style.

With this in mind, what’s especially concerning about attachment theory is the label we prescribe to ourselves – and how quickly we do so. “In my practice, I’ve witnessed clients who misdiagnose themselves based on a single relationship experience, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy that keeps them from genuine connection,” says psychologist Ieva Kubiliute. This hinders personal growth, often leading us to make poor decisions in our love lives. “If you constantly identify as ‘anxious’, you might unconsciously gravitate towards partners who reinforce that narrative, perpetuating a cycle of insecurity.” The same is said of those who call themselves “avoidant”. “It can become an excuse to evade intimacy, hindering your capacity for genuine connection.”

The reality is that while attachment theory can help us understand our romantic responses and triggers, it is nothing more than guidance. Because nobody is meant to move through the world with an anxious or avoidant attachment style; the idea is that through some self-reflection, personal growth, and possibly a little therapy, we all become secure. But we’re never going to do that if we’re so fixated on diagnosing ourselves and everyone around us. “It’s important to challenge these narratives and explore the underlying fears and beliefs that influence our behaviour,” says Kubilate. “Individuals who do that can break free from the confines of attachment theory and engage more authentically in their relationships. Because true growth isn’t about recognising if you’re avoidant or anxious. It lies in the ability to transcend labels and embrace the complexity of our emotional selves.”