Lazy. Toxic. Less academic.
These are the stereotypes I’ve noticed boys have to contend with when growing up, compared to girls. And now we’re throwing into the mix that your parents probably favour your sister (if you have one).
That is, according to a new research paper titled, ‘Parents Favor Daughters: A Meta-Analysis of Gender and other Predictors of Parental Differential Treatment’.
It found that sons and (to a lesser degree) younger siblings are ‘less favoured’ and therefore at greater risk of ‘maladaptive outcomes’.
As the mother of two sons and one daughter (21, 17, and 15 respectively) my immediate reaction was that it is yet another thing to add to the ever-growing pile of things for boys to feel bad about.
According to the study, my own childhood hit the genetic jackpot of being a daughter. But as an only child, I didn’t know what it was like to have a brother, so I am grateful that I joined the sixth form at a boys’ grammar school that started to admit girls.
In my year, there were only two of us (the other girl was studying sciences while I was studying humanities).
After the initial baptism of fire, those two years gave me an enlightening insight into the world of boys. I soon learned how the trading of light-hearted insults and humour among friends was a form of social currency and, before long, I became a relationship counsellor as the boys opened up.
Following the drama and complexities of being at a girls’ school previously with its cliques and hierarchies, it was a breath of fresh air. Everything felt a lot more straightforward.
When I had my first son in 2003 and my second son in 2007, they taught me how affectionate and reflective boys can be. Both are very different, but taught me similar lessons about boundaries.
Then I had my daughter in 2010. What was different was more what was happening externally. The primary school years were characterised by drama among friends, and it felt more mentally exhausting.
However, I think having the mix in the house has been good for all of them as they learn from each other.
Over the years, I’ve stood in school playgrounds and mainlined caffeine in numerous soft play areas, hearing similar conversations on repeat.
Much will be made of girls carefully colour-coding their files and drawing up elaborate revision timetables, while the boys are apparently scrawling notes in disarray.
What is often ignored is that the same conscientiousness so applauded in girls, can lead to struggles with perfectionism and mental health problems that are less easy to manage down the line. I can definitely relate to the self-imposed pressures that come with this.
Parenting: More perspectives
When you’re a parent of boys, you soon obtain an insight into what they’re up against – and it starts early. I became aware that they generally get a bad rap, and I wanted to counter that.
For example, if the chat among parents turned to, ‘Boys, eh?’ accompanied by an eye-roll (which often happened in front of children) I felt it was important to challenge that.
There’s the assumption of others that they’re going to run amok at birthday parties and generally wreak havoc. But in my experience, I’ve dealt with more meltdowns and arguments at my daughter’s parties than I have with my sons.
In fact, when one of my sons was very small, I watched a girl march up to him and wrench a toy out of his hand and flounce off. In momentary shock, he didn’t retaliate, he just looked nonplussed.
On top of that, I’ve had 21 years of my sons and their friends in my house and what I’ve encountered is sparky boys, curious about the world and quick to forgive in an argument.
They have grown into open, emotionally intelligent, articulate young men who are operating in an environment filled with tripwires over what they might inadvertently say or do.
Parenting a daughter can be much more emotionally fraught and complex and I know plenty of people who have experienced that, ranging from how to navigate tricky social dynamics to bullying.
There can be intense levels of toxicity between girls, yet there’s always much made of the ‘sisterhood’. In my experience boys will openly tell each other if they think one has behaved like a muppet and bury the hatchet with far less grudge-holding.
At the end of the day, I believe that studies like this are unhelpful.
All children – regardless of gender – face challenging periods in their lives when parenting may feel more difficult. What concerns me is that this is yet another dollop of negative messaging for boys to absorb.
Now, apparently, they’re less favoured from a supposed source of unconditional love. To what extent might the study help reinforce the dynamic in some places rather than challenge it?
I think most of us try our utmost to ensure the fair and equal treatment of our children – and we know they will tell us in no uncertain terms if we’re not doing that. They have a strong compass of right and wrong, and we need to listen carefully to that.
To me, it’s the most important thing that they all feel equally loved, because they are.
How can we expect to foster a generation of balanced, secure and happy young men when we surround them with negativity? It’s really time we redressed the balance.
It’s on us as adults not to slide into lazy stereotyping or parenting. Conscientious boys exist out there too. It’s our job to bolster them in the face of negative messages and equip them with the self-esteem to meet the challenges.
I’m hopeful because I’m seeing a generation of boys who are open to talking about how they feel and are mindful of others. What I would like is for this to be recognised more widely than it is.
Pitting sons against daughters isn’t helpful. Let’s just appreciate our children for the individuals they are.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk.
Share your views in the comments below.
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