I’m 16 and have never really had crushes. Along with that, I moved around a lot as a kid and never really had many friends until year 7. I’ve struggled a lot with maintaining friendships and I’ve always felt a bit awkward and isolated from my peers. I guess part of it was Covid; I never really developed social skills and have always relied on others to help me make friends.
Recently, I met this really nice guy at a debate competition. He seemed genuinely interested in me and kept trying to talk to me. I liked talking to him; it felt really comfortable. For the first time, it felt as if I had met someone I “clicked” with. I actively sought out interactions with him and was praying he’d be on my team, which he was. I just thought I liked him as a friend at first, so I didn’t get any sort of contact information and assumed I’d forget about him.
However, it’s been a while since then and it’s been bothering me. I can’t stop thinking about him. I don’t feel the same way about him as I do my other friends, so I’m sure it’s not a platonic feeling. My friends are telling me to try to talk to him via his social media, but I’m really scared that he’ll hate me or think I’m weird. I don’t know what to do. I’ve never dealt with anything like this before and, as mentioned above, I have bad social skills, so I don’t have any instinctual knowledge to go off.
What do I do in this situation? Do I try to connect with him, or just forget about it?
Well, first, you’re not alone. My mailbag is full of men and women who, even though older than you, aren’t sure if someone likes them and are afraid to make the first move. None of us likes rejection, but we sometimes forget how the other person might feel about us getting in touch – and usually they’d feel flattered. I know taking risks is scary, but so is missing opportunities. Rejection, if it comes, can feel hot and sharp, but resentment from missed opportunities can be much more long lasting. It’s a cliche, but we tend to regret the things we don’t do, rather than the things we do.
I went to the ACP-registered child and adolescent psychotherapist Rachel Melville-Thomas, who is an expert (in so far as anyone can be!) on teenagers. “These moments of intense romantic feeling can strike at any age and very few of us have ‘instinctual knowledge’ about all this – we just have to give it a go,” she says.
You mentioned that you don’t have good social skills. Melville-Thomas and I have seen examples of this increasing among adolescents since Covid, when some key developmental stages seem to have been missed. “Your letter shows how important it is to be able to do basic friendliness first before you embark on a more romantic relationship. It’s possible you didn’t get the chance to become skilled in this (although some people never do!) if you were moving around a lot. It’s possible you became wary of bonding closely with friends you expected to lose again and perhaps it’s been safer to be ‘the romantic bystander’,” says Melville-Thomas.
I also think crushes can be a safe way to experience big romantic feelings before making things real. “Plus,” continues Melville-Thomas, “everyone suffered in Covid from lack of meeting and exploring.” And that will include your debate guy.
Remember, as a teenager, your brain is rewiring and “one part”, says Melville-Thomas “is responding with emotion and pleasure, while another part (the reasoning bit) isn’t able to work out what to do. Your friends, operating at a distance, can say rational things like ‘get in touch’, but you can’t think it through to act.”
Melville-Thomas suggests slowing down “and looking at the evidence: this nice guy showed an interest in you; he kept trying to talk to you. Your sensible response was that you noticed it felt comfortable, you ‘clicked’ and you didn’t rush into things, you thought it was just platonic. But then your emotions went ‘Whoosh, this is different.’ Feeling ‘bothered’ can be a way for your body and brain to attract your attention and get you to do something.”
It seems he liked you and you like him. Consider getting in touch with him via his socials. This could be the start of, at the very least, a friendship. Possibly your first romantic encounter. And if he doesn’t respond? You’re no worse off than you are now and at least you tried. Keep us posted!
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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