Throughout their relationship, Alice* never knew what behaviour or reaction to expect from her ex-partner.
He was unpredictable and, often, abusive.
On Easter weekend in 2021, when Alice was 14 weeks pregnant, she and her ex had a huge argument. ‘He was smashing things up and frightening me,’ says Alice. ‘He also ripped an engagement ring he’d given me off my finger and told me I was not worthy of it.’
Alice drove to her mum’s. ‘I was in a really bad way,’ she recalls. Her mum, who Alice had confided in, had heard about an organisation called The For Baby’s Sake Trust – which aims to break the cycle of domestic abuse by offering trauma-informed, therapeutic support to both parents – on the radio, and suggested Alice get in touch.
Alice was all for it. ‘I was desperate’, she says. ‘I was looking for some guidance and direction. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like a crazy person.’
Learn more about The For Baby’s Sake Trust
‘At The For Baby’s Sake Trust, we provide parents with trauma-informed, therapeutic support to break the cycle of domestic abuse and give their baby the best start in life,’ says Lauren Seager-Smith, CEO of The For Baby’s Sake Trust.
‘We know that domestic abuse has a profound impact on babies, even before they are born; the baby is at the heart of everything we do.’
Domestic abuse and pregnancy are closely linked. About 20% of women being supported by domestic abuse charity Refuge, for example, are pregnant or have recently given birth.
Alice knows this first hand; when she fell pregnant, her partner’s abuse got worse. ‘His mood swings would be even more unpredictable,’ Alice explains.
‘Once, he pushed me; I fell over some paint in the bedroom and busted my right ankle. I was quite heavily pregnant at that point. Another time, he grabbed me and broke a necklace on my neck.’
‘Research shows that abuse often starts or escalates during pregnancy, with 30% of domestic abuse beginning in pregnancy,’ The For Baby’s Sake Trust CEO Lauren Seager-Smith explains. ‘This rises to 40% during their baby’s first 1,001 days of life.’
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New data from For Baby’s Sake Trust reveals almost 50,000 babies are referred to children’s social care each year with domestic abuse as a factor.
Read Metro‘s exclusive here
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For Baby’s Sake is not a single parent programme. ‘We offer an evidence-based, whole-family approach that works with both parents,’ says Lauren. ‘The parents do not need to be in a relationship, but there needs to be a shared motivation to co-parent their child safely.’
The aim of this is to work with both parents to break cycles of abuse, including the abusive parent, who may also go on to have children with other partners.
Once Alice was in touch with The For Baby’s Sake Trust, she told her ex she’d like them to do the programme. He wasn’t keen, but ultimately agreed on the condition that he and Alice do it as a couple, rather than as separated co-parents.
‘We do not require parents to be in a relationship with one another,’ says Lauren. ‘Our programme is designed to break cycles of domestic abuse, and help parents to safely parent their baby, whether they are in a relationship or not. Each parent has a separate Therapeutic Practitioner. If one parent disengages with the programme, we will continue to work with the other parent. It is crucial that both parents are willing, consenting participants in the programme; we do not mandate contact between parents.’
Learn more about the For Baby’s Sake Trust
‘For Baby’s Sake is a long-term intervention that supports each parent – from pregnancy, until their baby’s second birthday,’ explains Lauren.
‘Each parent has their own dedicated therapeutic practitioner who provides one-to-one support. Parents work through structured programme content – including modules that help them understand how to build safe, healthy relationships. The final phase supports parents in maintaining their progress and putting their learning into practice for the long term.’
Sam* and Lizzie* have two boys – now aged three and two – and had been married for four years when they started working with The For Baby’s Sake Trust.
Prior to that, things were tough. ‘I was struggling,’ says Sam. ‘I’d recently started a new job, so there was pressure. I was a father to a one-year-old; me and my wife weren’t communicating properly.’
Sam and Lizzie were put in touch with The For Baby’s Sake Trust by social services – whom they’d been initially involved with because of suspected abuse from Sam towards Lizzie, as well as aggression towards his family – when Lizzie was pregnant with their second son.
‘I wasn’t in a great place; my husband wasn’t in a great place,’ she says. ‘I was stepping on eggshells around him; I didn’t feel safe. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do.’
Lizzie’s second pregnancy was hard, too, due to the circumstances around the conception. ‘At that moment in time, we were going through a bad time. At first, I wasn’t even sure if I was going to have my youngest.
‘There was a lot to think about and it was a hard decision to make – but as soon as I saw him on the scan, I knew there was nothing I was going to do to terminate him. I couldn’t.’
On top of all this, Lizzie had been struggling with her mental health for a while, due to having a miscarriage before falling pregnant with her eldest son. She was nearly sectioned when she was around eight months pregnant with him. ‘Even after that, I didn’t feel I bonded with my eldest until he was three months old. I felt like a bad mum. I wasn’t fully present,’ she says.
Lizzie knew something had to change. ‘There was a lot of aggression from Sam that needed to be dealt with,’ she says. ‘It was scary to see. I had a lot of anger as well, I’m not going to lie. I didn’t want to project the aggression I had onto my children, and I didn’t want Sam to continue down the path he was going down.’
The path Lizzie was worried about was one towards physical harm to her and the children; as well as emotional damage to the children. Lizzie desperately didn’t want them to be scared of Sam.
‘I don’t like looking back on myself,’ says Sam. ‘I don’t like the person I was.’ But Sam agrees it couldn’t have gone on as it was.
So, when social services referred them to The For Baby’s Sake Trust in 2022, the couple decided to give it a go.
Learn more about the For Baby’s Sake Trust
‘Between sessions, the therapeutic practitioners provide Give it a Go (GIG) activities to help parents reflect on and build upon the session material,’ says Lauren.
‘These activities encourage parents to process and apply the learning to their daily lives. For example, they may keep a mood diary. Other activities might focus on helping their children with their feelings, such as recognising when a child expresses a particular emotion, reflecting on how they identified it, and considering their response.’
On Sam’s first day of the programme, he went to meet his practitioner in a local park. ‘I was so nervous,’ he says. ‘I’d always felt the services we used at the time marked me in their little black book. Like: I’m a big, burly rugby player; I must be throwing things across the room. And I didn’t want For Baby’s Sake to tar me with the same brush everybody else had.’
But Sam’s practitioner alleviated any concerns – ’Kudos to the guy who was able to put me at ease straight away!’ – because the most impactful thing, for Sam, was that his For Baby’s Sake therapeutic practitioner took the time to get to know him.
They continued to meet once a week. ‘He made me reflect on how my life was growing up; what led me to become the person I am,’ Sam explains. ‘He’d make me dig deeper, which has probably made me a better person.’
‘I don’t like looking back on myself,’ says Sam. ‘I don’t like the person I was’
Lizzie’s therapeutic practitioner immediately eased any concerns Lizzie had, too. They went on to explore how Lizzie interacted with her newborn baby and noted the positive and negative elements of her dynamic with her children.
‘They show you your love for your children, which is amazing to see; because you don’t see it yourself, when you’re interacting with your kids’ says Lizzie.
Alice, meanwhile, found the programme immensely helpful – ‘It really helped me connect with my son’ – but her ex didn’t feel the same. ‘He rubbished it a lot,’ says Alice. ‘He played it down as much as possible, never took it seriously.’
Alice’s ex started abusing her physically when she was around 24 weeks pregnant, and ultimately disengaged from the programme. They’d split up again – Alice suspects he thought they were just going through the motions, but she knew that was it.
‘I’d told my practitioner that it had started to get physically abusive for the first time. She then notified social services, so I knew, at that stage, it was a point of no return.’
Regardless, Alice credits For Baby’s Sake with how well she’s doing today. Learning about her inner child was especially important for her – ‘It’s about reminding yourself that, just because we’re in an adult body, that doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to be frightened, scared or feel vulnerable; and I think that’s even more true when you’re pregnant’ – as well as emotional regulation.
‘Just simple things like breathing exercises, and having that moment to check in and say, “Why am I feeling this way”.
‘I feel stronger and empowered,’ Alice concludes; and she credits For Baby’s Sake with helping her break free from romanticising the past: ‘I remind myself that, actually, I’ve come a long way; and For Baby’s Sake have been a huge part of that.’
Learn more about the For Baby’s Sake Trust
‘If you are expecting a baby and there is domestic abuse in your relationship, For Baby’s Sake could help,’ says Lauren. You don’t need to wait for things to reach crisis point – the earlier you reach out, the more support we can offer. We have a growing number of practice teams across England, including a team that supports families throughout London and the South East of England.
‘For Baby’s Sake is for parents who want to make lasting changes for the sake of their baby. Whether you are still in a relationship, separated, or unsure about the future, our team will work with you to find the best path forward. If you’re unsure, we encourage you to have an initial conversation with us – there’s no pressure to commit, but it might be the first step towards a better future for you and for your baby.
‘We have an established practice team in London that currently supports families across seven London boroughs. We are thrilled to have recently received funding from the City Bridge Foundation, London’s largest independent charity funder, to expand our support to families in additional areas. Our ten-year goal is for every family in the UK to be able to access support to break cycles of domestic abuse.
‘If you want to learn more, or can support our work, please visit www.forbabyssake.org.uk.’
‘If we hadn’t done For Baby’s Sake, we wouldn’t be together,’ says Lizzie. ‘That’s how bad it was.’
Sam describes himself as ‘completely different’.
‘I know I can get up and take five minutes now,’ he says. ‘Before, I would sit there and feel myself getting angrier and angrier and not know how to deal with it.’
Lizzie thinks, were it not for For Baby’s Sake, she’d be a ‘really angry parent’; but now, she knows how to decompress and then give her children what they need. If they’re excited, or fighting, she can take a moment to reflect, ‘Then I go, “Right, what do you emotionally need from me? What can I do to help?”.’
As a consequence, her children are flourishing, with regular glowing reports from pre-school. Lizzie takes great pride in knowing that’s down to the work she and Sam have done.
Lizzie and Sam are also in a really good place.
‘As a couple, we’re working together,’ says Lizzie. ‘At bedtime, for example, we all go up to bed. We read a story, we say goodnight to everyone, and then the boys go to their beds.
‘They have such an incredible bond with their dad now,’ Lizzie adds. ‘They love him to pieces; honestly, he’s their idol. They literally wait for him to come home; Daddy is the best thing since sliced bread when he walks through that door.’
‘I don’t claim to be perfect,’ says Sam. ‘But I’m much happier; my family life is a lot healthier. And for that, I’ll be eternally grateful.’
*Names have been changed
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