I’ve been dating a man whose 18-year-old kid lives with him full-time. My partner and I are very intimate and I always thought that I kept my cries of passion down by screaming into a pillow. Recently, his kid began slamming doors and cupboards very loudly to let us know that they had heard us. I told my partner that I felt bad, but he said he didn’t think I was being loud and that he had already explained to his kid when they chose to live with him full-time that this would happen.
I don’t have the best relationship with his kid because I very rarely spend any time with them, and they are quite introverted. What’s more, recently they were avoiding eye contact with me and seemed uncomfortable. Now, I’m afraid that I’ve made them unhappy by simply being there. I don’t spend very much time with the man I’m dating, which I think sends a signal to his kid that I’m mostly a sexual partner (I would like more but am afraid of asking for it for fear of being turned down). I want to respect his kid, but I also sense that they don’t respect me because my relationship with their father is not one of a bona fide girlfriend. What’s the best way to talk to the man I’m dating about my concerns?
You deserve to be given time and attention to help clarify this situation, so start by simply asking for that. You could approach him with: “I’d like to talk with you about a few things. I’m wondering when would be a good time and place for us to have a relaxed conversation about things in general?” Make sure the conversation occurs away from his house and the presence of his teenager. When you are in a comfortable situation, start by mentioning positive things that you like about your relationship, even if it’s simply: “I so enjoy having sex with you … but help me to understand how I can best navigate awkwardness between me and them?” But your partner has already addressed it with his kid, so when you see them around the house, just be the confident adult. Smile and greet them and find something warm to say. This behaviour in itself could not only put both of you at ease, but could also go a long way to showing your partner you are worth considering as more than a sexual partner. It may be a good idea to try this first; if it has good results, the conversation may be redundant.
-
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
