I am a 22-year-old woman with no desire to have sex. I am terrified even thinking about it. I feel intense pressure/guilt about being a virgin due to the normality with which other people my age treat sex. I have been sexually assaulted by my father, so I know this is a big part of it, but I am afraid I won’t ever find a relationship that can last if I never want to have sex. Do I give up on dating? Date women instead? Or be a loner for ever?
It is true that there is tremendous peer pressure on people your age to be sexual, but beyond that, given your history, I can understand your extreme discomfort and fearful self-questioning about “normality”. But one person’s “normal” is not necessarily the same as another’s. Right now, your “normal” would involve no sex at all, never even putting yourself in a situation where someone might act seductively. Allow yourself this and be kind to yourself about it. After the horrible betrayal of trust you have experienced, it is essential that you undergo a focused period of counselling and healing. Understand that wanting to avoid or to be in control of interpersonal relationships is necessary for you, and that this is not your fault; it is your abuser who has created such fear and distrust. In time, you will begin to feel safer and more able to form relationships and to find out who you are sexually.
•Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
•If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
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•In the UK, Rape Crisis can be contacted on 0808 802 9999 (England and Wales) or 0808 801 0302 (Scotland), or at rapecrisis.org.uk. The Samaritans are available in the UK 24 hours a day on 116 123 or at samaritans.org. In Australia, the national family violence counselling service is on 1800 737 732. In the US, the domestic violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org
