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In a hostile world, many parents might be anxious about how to raise a kinder generation – and if so, science backs you. Children who are more empathetic “tend to have more positive interactions and more satisfying relationships with friends and family,” says Jessica Rolph, co-founder of early childhood development company Lovevery. Studies show that kids who can form strong relationships do better in school, she adds.
And Jaime Thurston, chief executive of the School of Kindness, says it’s “the most important thing we can teach children”. She adds: “Kindness doesn’t just benefit the person we’re kind to, it has a positive impact on our own physical and mental wellbeing. Kindness can be a simple but powerful way to help children feel calmer and happier.”
“Children are growing up in a world where they will witness conflict, misinformation and unfiltered emotions,” says psychotherapist Anna Mathur, who insists kindness is “about resilience, critical thinking and understanding they can be kind without being passive. It’s about equipping them to engage with the world thoughtfully, stand up for what’s right, and contribute to a culture of respect and compassion.” So how best to raise kind children?
Be a role model
Don’t fear if your kid displays all the tenderness of Hannibal Lecter – kindness can be taught. Experts almost unanimously agree that role-modelling is key – in play, but also in real life. “Our studies show children are strongly influenced by what they observe adults doing,” says Bruce Hood, developmental psychologist and author of The Science of Happiness. “If we model sharing, kindness and generosity to others, children will instinctually copy this behaviour. Likewise, if they see adults modelling greed and cruelty, these will be considered normal.”
Mathur suggests letting your child see kindness as part of daily life by encouraging anything from opening a door to sharing a snack. “Kids are always watching, and when they see us speak kindly they take it in. They also witness the response, be it a de-escalation, or seeing someone comforted, so they see the benefits.”
Practise your Ps and Qs
It’s not all about big gestures, the child psychologist Laverne Antrobus says. “Please” and “thank you” – and, yes, modelling it – are important. “Those are the words that really start the building blocks of kindness,” she says, branding them “the oil in the engine” of kindness and consideration.
Conversations are key
“What kind thing did you do or see today?” is one to add to post-school conversations, suggests Thurston. “My son said there was a boy being mean to him,” she adds. “We chatted about what might be going on in that boy’s mind. Maybe he feels sad or angry, doesn’t have many friends, or no one is kind to him. We don’t know what caused that boy to act that way, but people who are happy and confident don’t tend to be mean.”
These conversations help children understand kindness is a choice, something Liz Bates, author of Cool to Be Kind, says is key. She suggests asking: “Why might someone choose to be unkind if they could choose to be kind? If children aren’t asked that, they never get an opportunity to think about it or question behaviours.”
Acknowledge and praise
“Praise the effort, not just the outcome,” advises Mathur, by saying things such as: “It was so kind of you to ask your sister if she was OK when she fell over.” This gently affirms and encourages empathy and kindness.
Antrobus agrees that children need to see the benefits of kindness – which requires feedback. “Good nursery teachers say things like ‘That was kind, you really thought about that person,’ and you just see the child’s face light up. They’re thinking: ‘I’m the most special person in the world, because not only have I done something good, it’s also benefited somebody else.’”
Failing that, go literal
When she started to fear an empathy gap in her own pre-teen children, Lorraine Candy, a podcaster and author of Mum, What’s Wrong With You? 101 Things Only the Mothers of Teenage Girls Know, took the advice of a family therapist: “I put a note on the inside of our front door that read: ‘Do one kind thing today’. It was a neurological reminder or mantra to be kind – I ignored the teen eye-rolling because I saw it as part of my own parental role-modelling.”
It’s natural for kids to seem unkind
“Young children are naturally egocentric,” says Rolph. “This is a normal part of their development, as they must first make sense of the world around them through their own eyes, before they can see it through someone else’s. In fact, until they approach preschool age, they have little reason to believe that others might have feelings or thoughts different from their own.”
Melanie Fisher, the wellbeing and early help specialist at the nursery chain Bright Horizons, says children’s demonstrations of empathy can be largely inconsistent until they are about six. “This isn’t selfishness because it isn’t yet conscious behaviour,” she says. “The part of young children’s brains in control during ‘stressful’ moments is the emotional/survival brain. They do not have the ability to think first then choose their behaviour. In distress, children are only concerned with their own feelings and do not have the capacity to show kindness or care for others. This isn’t selfishness – it’s survival.”
Don’t fear ‘unkindness’ when it happens
Seeing your kid lash out can feel like a dagger to the heart. But it’s important not to panic or act negatively. Instead, Antrobus advises reassurance: “Our job is to help them know they can recover from the situation and that we don’t think that’s them, full stop.”
“It’s important to step back from fear,” says Mathur. “Unkind moments don’t mean your child is an unkind person … Unkindness often stems from unmet needs: fatigue, hunger, overwhelm or feeling out of control.” She advises using those moments as a gentle teaching point, rather than just correcting – for example saying: “I know it didn’t feel fair that Jonny jumped the queue for the swing. But hitting him isn’t the answer. How else might we tell someone that something isn’t fair?”
Put yourself in their position says Fisher: “Being kind doesn’t always come naturally, even to adults.”
Teach them to be kind to themselves
“I think unkindness is the sign of a young person not valuing themselves, or feeling they are worth being kind to,” says Bates. “It’s important to help children to develop a sense that we all have good bits and not so good bits.”
As early as five or six, introduce the idea of “Mean Mate” and “Patient Pal”. Get kids to imagine they’re playing a game with two friends and when they make a mistake, what reactions those friends might have. “Mean Mate” might say: “You’re stupid”. “Patient Pal” will understand it wasn’t deliberate, be calm and say: “It’s OK, try again”. Introduce the idea that we all have both characters inside our heads, but can decide which one to spend time with and listen to.
It’s never too early to start
As soon as children can listen or observe you, they can take in role-modelling of kindness. Fisher adds: “Babies do reflect the emotional state of those around them: they may become distressed when another baby cries or smile back when their parent smiles. As they do this, ‘mirror neurons’ in the brain are at work, and are creating the foundation for the development of empathy.”
Stealth …
Books are a stealth tool for parents. “Children are more likely to help and comfort others when their parents talk about emotions while reading stories,” says Rolph. “During storytime, talk about the characters’ feelings and connect them to your child’s experiences.” Two books that Mathur recommends are Have You Filled a Bucket Today? by Carol McCloud and The Invisible Boy by Trudy Ludwig.
… and games
“Co-operative play starts around the age of three when children are learning the concepts of sharing, turn-taking, winning and losing,” says Fisher. She says board games, creative activities, folding washing or even cooking together can be opportunities to role model and practise kindness.
Rolph suggests using dolls and toys to model empathy: “Take turns to wash their baby doll and pretend water gets in the doll’s eyes. When the baby ‘cries’, model how to respond: ‘Oh, the baby is sad. I wonder what we should do?’” Show your child how to wipe the doll’s eyes and give it a comforting hug.
Exploit the bonds of friendship
In researching her book, Candy learned that the vital work teens do to form an identity separate from their parents can leave little time to think about others. She notes, “Their peers were the most important people in their lives – for their friends, nothing was too much trouble. But parents can make a difference teaching kindness and empathy. I offered my elder daughters a go at critical thinking: ‘I wonder why your mate is being mean to you?’ I would say. ‘Maybe something has happened?’ I would suggest without judgment to look beneath things emotionally.”
Help to create a kind society
We want our child to be kind, but we also want our kid to be treated kindly – and for that we need other parents to teach their kids kindness. “Lots of people say I want my child to be happy, but what if your child doesn’t encounter another young person who is being kind to them?” says Antrobus. “Happiness doesn’t just appear by itself, does it?”
Thurston shares a nice snippet to tell older children: “One thing we teach in our workshops is that kindness is contagious,” he says. “When we’re kind to someone, that kind act can positively affect up to 125 people. Because the person you’re kind to feels happier, so is more likely to be kind, and so on.”
Kind kids don’t have to be people pleasers
Some may fear that prioritising kindness creates anxious people pleasers. Not so, says Mathur: “True kindness comes from authenticity, not obligation. It’s important to let children see kindness happen in limited time. Model by saying things like ‘I can’t help right now, but I care about you’.”
“Encourage genuine giving, not forced politeness,” she adds. And instead of insisting kids share, help them understand why, by saying things like: “How would it feel if your friend shared their toy with you?” You can also check they don’t feel pressured into kindness by asking: “Do you want to do this, or do you feel like you have to?”
Learn from man’s best friend
“If all else fails, you can get a dog,” says Candy. “Nothing teaches teens more about caring and kindness than loving a dog.”
