THE nativity play is one of the most hotly-anticipated events in the school calendar.
Children – and parents – battle it out for the top acting roles, earning them the best costumes, most lines and top bragging rights in the process.
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Now, a primary school teacher has revealed what your kid’s Christmas play role really says about them – and it’s not good news for angels.
Rob Christmas* says “sweet but dull” kids are often tasked with playing Gabriel, while a lazy youngster is usually Mary.
“Sensible” children are told to manage the sheep, and the trusty donkey role is played by a child whose parents have driven the staff mad all year.
Here’s a rundown of what each role really means…
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Mary
Despite popular opinion, Mary is not often selected on her pure heart and classic good looks.
Instead, the role of Mary is filled by a child who is lazy enough to not mind sitting on a chair for half an hour – unlike the rest of the kids who belt out the Christmas hits whilst gesturing wildly to every other word.
Joseph
Ahh Joseph, in some ways the patriarch of Team Jesus, in other ways The Mug, who was forced to father a child that, strictly-speaking, wasn’t his.
If your child is picked to be Joseph, chances are he ties in more closely with the latter.
It just wouldn’t do to have one of the cute but difficult brigade bouncing around the stage.
So, instead, we teachers pick a good but frightfully dull little boy who’s going to stay put and not mess about in front of the governors.
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The Angel
Your child is cute, sensible enough to stand on a bench, but also isn’t bright enough to have a speaking part.
The Inn Keeper
There is a good chance you’ll see a few of these in the nativity. A few to turn away the expectant couple, and one to stand tall in the mayhem of Herod’s census.
However, all of these Inn Keepers are probably the likely lads – they’re loud, they’re large and can probably only manage a “No Room here!” before smirking at their parents.
The Donkey
The perfect chance to get back at whoever has the pushiest parent.
Take that Mrs Smith! You can’t shout at me for not letting your little princess be in the show, but it’s also eating you alive that she’s the donkey.
Three Wise Men
This famous bunch of men will doubtlessly include at least one girl because gender equality is a big deal in schools these days.
The only thing I’m looking for here is someone who’s going to remember to pick up Jesus’ birthday pressie before they shuffle unsteadily up the central aisle of the school hall.
King Herod
Full disclosure: no one who knows the nativity story wants to be Herod.
But, because these are children and know literally nothing, they all jump at the chance to be King.
Although at first it may put your nose out to know that your child has been selected to be the paranoid megalomaniac who wants to kill baby Jesus, rest assured that Herod is, more often than not, played by the smartest kid in the class.
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The Shepherds
These will be sensible children. They have to carry a stick, not hit the sheep and pretend to be asleep without giggling.
Narrator
I would like to apologise personally to every child who has ever been a narrator and to the parents thereof for losing my temper and shouting ‘LOUDER, LOUDER, LOOOOUUUUDDDERRRR’ at them with an increasing intensity as curtain-up approaches.
You think you’re doing the quiet one a favour by giving them a few simple lines to read from a laminated piece of card, but in reality, you end up reinforcing what everyone knows.
Little Jamie isn’t made for public speaking, he was made to be a tree.
Tree
SLEEPOVER CLUB
Pyjama subscription service delivers toasty new PJs to your door every month
Your child didn’t want to do any singing but the Head said everyone had to be involved and the position of Child who presses play on the YouTube video of the Jingle Bells karaoke backing track was taken.
Voila, your uninterested and stubborn child is a tree.
*not his real name should he get pelted with mince pies by an angry mob of parents
