Dear Coleen
Recently, I decided to give my marriage another go after we split up because of his drink problem. He hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol in two years, which is great, but his attitude still stinks.
He’s been back in the house since Christmas and, while our three children love him being there, it’s not working for me.
I’ve coped on my own for the past couple of years, but now I’m paying his way, too, while he contributes nothing financially or practically to the household.
I pay for everything – food, holidays, bills, as well as everything the kids need. I’ve raised the issue of money once or twice, but he’s always got some excuse about why he can’t contribute.
And he actually gets really angry if I want to discuss it.
My job does pay more than his but, even so, he should be contributing something if he’s living here and wants us to make a proper go of being a family again. I’m already starting to think I’d be better off without him and doubting that I made the right decision to have him back.
I never dreamed he’d just move back in and offer no support whatsoever.
What do you think?
Coleen says
It sounds as if you’ve coped pretty well over the past couple of years and got your life back on track, and now you suddenly have another big kid to look after. He can’t just get angry every time you bring up the practicalities of living together – why does he feel you owe it to him to support the entire family on your own?
If you really feel that after two years living apart you want to be on your own, then follow your instinct and don’t look at it as a failure. Sometimes things don’t work out the way you hoped.
I get the sense that you don’t want a confrontation, so you’re walking on eggshells around him in case he relapses, but you can’t live with that kind of pressure indefinitely.
If he’s serious about giving your marriage another go, then it’s about more than giving up the booze – it’s also about being fully involved in family life, taking responsibility and being supportive.
Perhaps there’s a reason why he can’t contribute financially, but he’s worried about bringing it up – maybe he’s in debt – but he has to be honest with you because, right now, you’re questioning his commitment.