‘A dancer dances, even with replaced hips and scoliosis’: only one actor can play Liza Minnelli

As the repeatedly stalled Madonna biopic has shown, it’s difficult to make a film about a real-life icon, especially when the icon in question has a say in who will play them. And so it might prove to be with Liza Minnelli. Earlier this year, Minnelli announced that she is writing what is sure to be a blockbuster memoir. The book promises to pull no punches which – when you factor in her parents, her addiction issues and her complicated love life – is a hell of a lot of punches not to pull.

The book isn’t due to come out until 2026. Despite this, the television rights have already been optioned and, even though it’s so far in the distance, Minnelli has already got several ideas about casting. In an email to People magazine, she wrote: “First, we need a great script and an actress who loves to move,” adding, “Honey, first, I’m a dancer … like the great line in Chorus Line: God, I’m a dancer … a dancer dances … even with replaced hips and scoliosis!”

Clearly, whoever does end up getting cast is almost certainly going to end up as an awards frontrunner, especially given that Renée Zellweger won an Oscar for playing her mother just five years ago. In the email, Minnelli hinted that the line was already starting to stretch around the block. “We’re very grateful that Academy award, Emmy, Tony and Grammy winners are so excited to talk with us.”

Which seems like a polite way to say that it’s definitely going to be Lady Gaga. Because of course it is. No actor in the world is hungrier for awards than Lady Gaga, which is why she kept giving that “One hundred people in a room,” speech during her A Star Is Born campaign, and why she went so deeply method for House of Gucci that she wrote a letter to her own personality saying: “I don’t need you right now”. A chance to play a world-class singer and generationally talented dancer who gets to emote her way through numerous traumas? This is the role that Lady Gaga has been waiting her entire life to play.

What’s more, they go back. In 2022, Gaga personally requested that Minnelli accompany her to present the best picture award at the Oscars. True, her appearance didn’t go well – she looked so frail that she used the announcement of her autobiography to declare that the whole thing was “sabotaged” – but Gaga still made time to tell her in front of the world that she was her biggest fan. Also Joker 2 was said to be heavily influenced by Liza Minnelli musicals, but maybe let’s not dwell on that.

One potential issue with the Gaga casting is age. From the People email, it sounds like the adaptation of the memoir will focus on Minnelli’s later years. It will, she wrote, be “the story of an SUD [substance use disorder] victor not victim, who happens to be closing in on age 80,” because that would be “a first for the screen”.

Still, the biopic wouldn’t be released for a number of years, and there are plenty of options open. Realistically, you wouldn’t want to make a film about Liza Minnelli unless you could include scenes from her golden years, so perhaps Gaga could be drafted in for flashbacks. Similarly, the biopic could pull a reverse Irishman and age Gaga by several decades for the newer scenes – hopefully the technology is advancing quickly enough that the final result wouldn’t automatically give everyone the creeps. And then, of course, there are prosthetics. The best thing by far about Bradley Cooper’s Maestro was the absurdly realistic old age makeup used to help him play Leonard Bernstein in his later years. It could be worth suggesting that this is what the producers should go for.

So it is decided. Despite the possibly intentional vagueness, Lady Gaga is almost certainly going to play Liza Minnelli in the near future. It’s all but a done deal. Now, the real question is: how do we convince Bradley Cooper to play David Gest?