In the discombobulation of postpartum, reassurance is what all new mothers need.
When sleep deprived and aching, when doubt spirals are common and overwhelm rife, a new mother will look to those who have mothered before her. There is nothing more comforting in the inevitable haze of milk and tears than someone saying: “I think you’re right, and you’re doing really well.”
While popularly considered a synonym for depression, there’s increasing social awareness of postpartum: the period after birth that doesn’t have a definitive end. Thankfully, we’re having more conversations about the hard parts of motherhood and, when we do, we provide emotional cushioning for what can be, and often is, an acute experience.
Many mothers – especially first-time mothers – are completely dumbfounded by the intensity of it. Yes, there’s joy and awe but just as prevalent is the wild concoction of uncertainty, doubt and grief. It’s not what most parents expect but it is biologically and psychologically normal.
Alongside a growing awareness of what is normal, and what is not, is advice shared on social media that is well-meaning but often not evidence-based. Advice should ideally come from one trusted perinatal health professional. Instead, it comes at mothers from all directions. It’s typically contradictory on the postnatal ward in hospital – especially in regard to breastfeeding, which, statistically, is challenging for most mothers – and it’s often authoritative in public. And when it insidiously seeps into the psyche via social media, it can feel like there’s no escaping it.
To an emotionally vulnerable new mum, this is incredibly overwhelming. It can also feel like everyone else has the answers and there must be something wrong with her if she doesn’t. I remember feeling this way, too. In the very early days and weeks of postpartum, my awkwardness was profound – I didn’t know how to feed or settle my baby – and it was only compounded by my ginger movements and leaking, deflated body. I felt completely untethered, plagued by a continual sense of “not knowing”, which was deeply uncomfortable.
Over the past few years I’ve reflected on and picked apart my four postpartum experiences, returning to those memories with a deeper factual awareness of exactly what I was experiencing and why. I may have more information now, but I also know there was so much I had to figure out for myself – about the baby I’d birthed, the mother I was becoming and the connection we shared.
Back then I believed that “mum knows best” and I presumed that the maternal instinct would switch on at birth. What relatively new research tells us is that the maternal brain circuitry establisheed in pregnancy primes the new mother for learning in parenthood. We’re not supposed to know what we’re doing! This is incredibly reassuring data because we all understand what learning involves: questioning, uncertainty, observation, experience and, most importantly, time.
This isn’t the common narrative we steady new mothers with. But it needs to be, because if a mother doesn’t fall in love with her baby at first sight (common for 40% of first time mothers) or understand her baby’s cries or know how to hold or feed or settle them, she may feel shame. This is problematic for many reasons, the most pertinent being a repression of her experience and any mental health symptoms that may subsequently arise. Research also shows that shame is the root cause of maternal suicide, one of the leading causes of maternal death the year after birth.
When a new mother is challenged – and she will be challenged, including by immense physical recovery, the greatest hormonal drop of her life and the inherent difficulty of sleep deprivation, relationship changes and financial pressure – having someone to steady her with reassuring words and active support is powerful. Sometimes, it’s unforgettable. Sometimes, it can save lives.
There are many organisations, clinicians and doulas doing wonderful, life-saving work in the perinatal space. But just as important are the everyday conversations we’re having with new mums in the community. When mothers talk openly about how motherhood feels and receive reassurance in response – from health professionals, peers and established mothers – it’s considered early mental health intervention.
It’s for this exact reason that we need more safe community spaces for mothers to gather so they can connect in their vulnerability and be comforted by their shared experience. What all new mothers need to hear – many times throughout the first year – is that they’re not supposed to have all the answers.
This reiterates the simple fact we often gloss over: becoming a mother is not a singular act at birth but a painful, tentative, almighty learning process; the most physiologically and psychologically profound of her life.
Reassurance – in the form of emotional connection and practical support – is what we need to share with all parents in postpartum. It’s not a conventional newborn gift, but it’s the most memorable.
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Jodi Wilson is the author of three books including Practising Simplicity and The Complete Guide to Postpartum: A Mother-focused Companion For Life After Birth, which is being published in July. She writes weekly on Substack
