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Since her inception in 2023, the frazzled English woman has proven herself to be far more than a fleeting trend. Well, she’s been around for over 20 years, to begin with — best embodied by the likes of Bridget Jones and Iris Simpkins, Kate Winslet’s character in The Holiday.
The frazzled English woman gave a name to a type of woman we all know, and who many of us happen to be. She’s frantic, hasty and distinctly relatable. She’s a mess of scarves and claw clips, held together by a beloved long coat that, if it was damaged or lost, would threaten her entire mental state.
While she’s instantly recognisable to others, the frazzled English woman can’t always see herself in the mirror. For anyone in doubt, here’s how you can tell if you’re her.
1. Your are in possession of more than two scarves
One scarf is standard, if not requisite, for being a human living in England. Two is a fashion choice. Three is excessive, overkill, and almost certainly the behaviour of a frazzled English woman. Bonus points if one of the scarves is a skinny scarf, one is striped, and another is so big that you could basically use it as a blanket.
Every frazzled English woman you know owns a pair of glasses that are at least four years old, scratched in multiple places, stretched from being pushed up into her hair and nearly always a little smudged. The glasses case hasn’t been seen for months, the dust cloth is just whatever top she’s wearing right now.
If you know and love a frazzled English woman: drag her into an opticians and block the door until she gets an eye test. If you are one: Ace & Tate are doing free eye tests, and their new The Tatemans collection is perfect for updating outdated specs.
Ace & Tate
3. You have a wine subscription you haven’t cancelled
Feel attacked yet? That Wine52 subscription literally cannot cancel itself, and at some point you actually will need to pick up the phone and ask them to stop. But let’s be honest, you kind of like the building stock of nice wines that arrive at your door every month, don’t you? You’ve even floated the idea of a wine rack, but won’t go through with it because you’re definitely cancelling the subscription this month.
4. You are part of a book club
After the wine subscription, one of life’s biggest stressors for the frazzled English woman is the book club that she joined and now has to keep up with each month. A frazzled English woman is a reader by nature, but she’s also scatty, and routinely leaves her reading to the day, nay, night before. Good thing she can speed read. They don’t call her frazzled for nothin’.
Yui Mok/PA Wire
5. You have or want some kind of balaclava
Frazzled English women and babushkas are from the same genetic family, which explains why every F.E.W has suddenly developed an undeniable, almost maternal craving in recent months to start wearing some form of bonnet or balaclava. Bonus points if it’s knitted.
6. Candles are your lifeblood
If socks and candles are considered lazy presents for most people, they mean the complete opposite to a frazzled English woman. Never content unless she has at least three candles in reserve, waiting to be burned, with two on the go at all times. And socks, well, who wouldn’t want a good pair of socks?
The frazzled English woman’s mecca is a ludicrously oversized candle, placed loving upon a coffee table or bedside cabinet. With each wick she lights (matches optional, but preferred) she becomes 10 per cent less frazzled. One of those big, fat Neom ones is her idea of heaven.
Neom
7. All your tights are laddered
What is a frazzled English woman without tights? Nude, black, sheer or high denier, it does’t matter, because they are always laddered, always bunching up near the ankles. If the frazzled English woman was a video game character her default action would be pulling up her tights. Put her out of her misery: get her some from Falke. Or even Sheertex, if you want them to be really indestructible.
8. You still own PJs from ten years ago
Bridget Jones
Whether they’re a cringey Christmas print like Bridget Jones’s red penguin set, or a battered old t-shirt from your childhood with holes in the armpits, every frazzled English woman has an item of nightwear that they pray a lover never sees.
They’re for nights alone and exceptionally bad hangover days, only to be seen by Deliveroo drivers, parents and housemates who have earned a certain level of trust. Sometimes you open the door to collect a package while wearing them and the picture taken by the courier humbles you deeply.
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